One Broken Off

Probiotic Bacteria May Help Treat Depression | Gut-Brain Link | Mental Health & Psychiatric Disorders | LiveScience

2011-10-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

Probiotic Bacteria May Help Treat Depression | Gut-Brain Link | Mental Health & Psychiatric Disorders | LiveScience

Please Watch and Share This--Help Fight Stigma

2011-01-14T11:28:00.001-08:00

The Insanity Virus | Mental Health | DISCOVER Magazine

2010-11-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

The Insanity Virus | Mental Health | DISCOVER Magazine

Patient Voices: Schizophrenia - Interactive Feature - NYTimes.com

2010-09-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

Patient Voices: Schizophrenia - Interactive Feature - NYTimes.com

I love to hear people speak in their own voices. Click the link for some stories of life with schizophrenia.

Feminist Mormon Housewives » Hitting close to home

2010-09-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Feminist Mormon Housewives » Hitting close to home

A great conversation about mental illness. Be sure to read the comments.

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome - LoveToKnow Sleep

2010-09-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome - LoveToKnow Sleep

This is so how I sleep. It turns out that it is common in those on the autistic spectrum.

Bipolar Disorder Not Linked to Violence | Bipolar Disorder For Dummies | Bipolar Beat

2010-09-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

Bipolar Disorder Not Linked to Violence | Bipolar Disorder For Dummies | Bipolar Beat

Closed for the Day

2010-09-01T10:44:00.001-07:00

morning glory flower, unopened, originally uploaded by Martin LaBar.

I am able to get out now much more than I have in a long time, but I still have a toll to pay afterwards.

Yesterday I had a root canal performed in my mouth in the morning and in the afternoon I attended a memorial service and saw many dear old friends.

Today I am like our backyard Morning Glories on a cloudy day: simply closed up for a while.

Still His Lamb

2010-06-06T16:43:00.005-07:00

365/106 Lamb, originally uploaded by justmakeit.

This picture illustrates how I am feeling of late. I am still His lamb, but in a pen, waiting for a wider pasture. I know that I am loved and that nourishment is coming. But all is not well.

I have loved ones who talk with me from outside the wire, but I am longing to have a friend who can fellowship with me from the inside. Is it you? Do you understand what I am going through? Will you visit with me?

Let's discuss how to be friends from both sides of this barrier of mental dis-ease, shall we? I would sure appreciate it.

Why Know?

2010-05-16T14:55:00.001-07:00

No Going Back, originally uploaded by Mariano Kamp.

I found this list on the Internet today, and it really resonated for me. The article is called "Top Ten Reasons for Adults to Seek an Asperger Syndrome Diagnosis."

Do you see yourself in this list, too?

More from Stomp the Stigma

2010-04-22T14:19:00.001-07:00

God is Love

2010-04-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

This little video expresses my feelings about God better than anything I've found for a long time. Thank you, Kate, for sharing it. (Moms beware: there is a little cursing here.)

This will make you cry.

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

A New View of Oz

2010-04-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

"Well, one day I went up in a balloon and the ropes got twisted, so that I couldn't come down again. It went way up above the clouds, so far that a current of air struck it and carried it many, many miles away. For a day and a night I traveled through the air, and on the morning of the second day I awoke and found the balloon floating over a strange and beautiful country.

"It came down gradually, and I was not hurt a bit. But I found myself in the midst of a strange people, who, seeing me come from the clouds, thought I was a great Wizard. Of course I let them think so, because they were afraid of me, and promised to do anything I wished them to.

"Just to amuse myself, and keep the good people busy, I ordered them to build this City, and my palace; and they did it all willingly and well. Then I thought, as the country was so green and beautiful, I would call it the Emerald City, and to make the name fit better I put green spectacles on all the people, so that everything they saw was green."

"But isn't everything here green?" asked Dorothy.

"No more than in any other city," replied Oz; "but when you wear green spectacles, why of course everything you see looks green to you. The Emerald City was built a great many years ago, for I was a young man when the balloon brought me here, and I am a very old man now. But my people have worn green glasses on their eyes so long that most of them think it really is an Emerald City . . . "(--The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum, Signet Classic, 1984, 157-58.)

I have been unwell for so long and not getting better. So, in some desperation, I finally dared to take off my green glasses and see things through pre-spectacled eyes. I was surprised at how immediately my recovery began. I feel happier than I have in a long, long time.

No offense to the wizard or hard-feelings towards the citizens of Oz, but--as much as I love green-- I'm liking the view much better now.

Photograph by D Sharon Pruitt at flickr.com.

Autism? Really?

2010-03-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

Maybe you will roll your eyes and say, "Oh really. What's next with this screwball?"

The thing is, I took this test today and got a score of forty.

I also started on medication for my recently discovered hypothyroidism. New thinks to think.

A thank you to kevindooley for sharing this photo on flickr.

Feeling the Fool

2010-03-10T12:41:00.001-08:00

Why are clowns so depressing?, originally uploaded by RobertFrancis.

It is not a pleasant thing to have a brain that can't be trusted.

How much walking would you do if you knew that at any moment your legs would buckle under you and you would crash to the ground? You would probably avoid walking in public at all. Of course, there are walkers and wheelchairs for that sort of an impairment.

Not so with mental illness.

So I think that I have some great new insights!
So I think that I am uber capable and creative!
So I think that I am headed into a permanent state of good health!

And then a dear one alerts me that I am--once again--manic.

Is it any wonder that I am afraid to use my mind, when it is so shaky and capable of sending me crashing at any time?

So I am retreating again to what I know:
Jesus loves me and died for me.
I love my family and I am loved in return.
I can make quilts.

These are about all the things I feel I can trust to be true right now. Right now, I think that they are enough.

Thanks for listening.

Cana Island Lighthouse

2010-02-21T12:28:00.001-08:00

Cana Island Lighthouse, originally uploaded by James Jordan.

Succor

2010-02-21T12:07:00.000-08:00

I did a Google search this morning of "Jesus and the Mentally Ill." It was disappointing. This passage from lds.org was much better than anything else I found. You can see the entire page at http://disabilities.lds.org/disabilities/eng/disability-list/mental-illness. I have highlighted some of the phrases which have particular meaning to me.

Understanding Mental Illness

Mental illness is often poorly understood. This keeps many people from seeking help and receiving treatment. It may be difficult for people with mental illness to talk about it and get support and understanding from others. When others respond with compassion, it can help the person feel more comfortable. The causes of these illnesses are complex. They are usually the result of problems in brain functioning, genetic vulnerability, trauma, chronic thinking patterns, or other emotionally difficult experiences. Sometimes people with mental illness may develop an addiction. People with mental illnesses cannot just will themselves to get better. Blaming the person or others for the illness is harmful.

Most people with mental illnesses are neither violent nor dangerous. Recent advances in treatment have made it possible to manage or treat most mental illnesses. Most people are helped by treatment from a trained mental health professional. Other people can help by providing loving concern, support, and spiritual strength.

Recognizing Mental Illness

Common symptoms include the following:

Prolonged sadness, extreme feelings of unwarranted guilt, hopelessness, and despair
Changes in appetite, sleeping, energy, and the ability to concentrate
Severe anxiety; irrational fears; panic; or recurring, unwanted thoughts
Confused, disorganized thinking; delusions or hallucinations; extremely poor judgment
Speech that does not make sense or is very rapid and rambling
Difficulty doing normal daily activities; withdrawal from family, friends, and normal activities

The person may not recognize that he or she is ill. Many people try to feel better through addictions or substance abuse, but this makes the mental illness worse. Thoughts of suicide or self-harm should be taken seriously.

Ways to Help

Learn about mental illness from professional sources, LDS Family Services, and mental health professionals. A bishop may give a referral to a licensed therapist through LDS Family Services.
Treat the person with understanding and compassion. Reassure the person that Heavenly Father loves him or her.
Remember that mental illness is not a punishment from God.
Realize that a mental illness cannot be overcome by willpower alone. It does not indicate that a person lacks faith, character, or worthiness.
Help the person develop confidence through knowing God supports his or her efforts to cope and build strengths.
Do not take problems that are a result of the illness personally. People with mental illness may feel frustrated and upset because of the illness.
Include the person in Church activities and appropriate service opportunities. Consult with the person, family members, and others who know the person well to identify limitations as well as strengths.
Do not argue with delusional ideas or pursue topics that increase agitation. Be aware that stress can make the illness worse.
Mental illness may require a person to make major life changes. Where appropriate, prayerfully consult with priesthood leaders, family members and caregivers, professionals, and the individual concerning a need for change.

Awake

2010-02-19T02:45:00.001-08:00

Sleepless in Brussels..., originally uploaded by stttijn.

My husband says a prayer, lays down, and within five minutes falls fast asleep. Every night. No matter what.

How. Is. That. Possible?

I have ordered yet another antidepressant through our mail-order prescription service. Should be here any day now. My doctor is hoping it will help me sleep.

Sigh.

Me, too.

No Vitality

2010-02-07T15:09:00.001-08:00

, originally uploaded by Katherine Squier.

This is just a reminder that the opposite of depression is not happiness. The opposite of depression is vitality.

Everything is just so, so hard to do.

Light in the Woods

2009-12-08T16:21:00.001-08:00

Dawn in the pine forest, originally uploaded by J. Star.

My husband applied and qualified for this.

Good, good news.

Puzzled

2009-11-22T13:51:00.001-08:00

A Course for Nowhere, originally uploaded by Wetsun.

Did I mention that the government turned us down? We are in that in between place where we have too much income from unemployment assistance to get other aid, but too little income from unemployment assistance to live on.

And this week I transferred the last of our savings into checking to cover our bills.

I'm depressed now. Not the chemical kind. The sad kind.

I'm depressed and puzzled. Where is Father taking us with all this?

Glenn Close Campaigns to End Stigma

2009-10-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

See more at Bring Change 2 Mind.

Characteristics of Introverts

2009-10-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

I found this article today here and it described me so well (see below) that I wanted to share it. I feel strongly that pushing myself to act like an extrovert for many years contributed to my eventual meltdown. Mental illness is exacerbated by stress, and it is stressful to try too hard for too long to be what you are not.

"Here are 20 characteristics universal to introverts.

Introverts ...

1. love to read

2. have a few close, true friends

3. are excellent listeners

4. do not like to contribute in class

5. give people energy (extroverts take energy)

6. love to go to their room and close the door

7. may be exhausted by the social interaction required during a typical day at school

8. do not like group work

9. do not learn by repeating things out loud

10. like to connect the dots and insist on turning information in to knowledge

11. are very territorial

12. like to know about expectations well ahead of time

13. suffer from feelings of humiliation if they make a mistake in public

14. are intense

15. hate small talk

16. prefer to write rather than talk and especially don’t like talking on the phone

17. have a private and a public personality

18. say what they mean

19. prefer not to say anything unless it is significant

20. need time alone to recharge their batteries"

Do you see yourself in this list, too? If you are an extrovert, does this help you better understand someone you love?

A thank you to dsorine for sharing the photo at flickr.

A Reminder

2009-10-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 13

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

King James Version (KJV)
Public Domain

Going Down?

2009-10-01T12:43:00.001-07:00

going down, originally uploaded by Calain.

We applied to the Department of Social and Health Services for aid today.

I knew this day was coming, but I did not anticipate how sad it would feel.

Guest Post: Bruised

2009-09-27T18:50:00.001-07:00

Forehead Bruise, originally uploaded by Daniel Paquet.

A reader asked me to post the following in her behalf, in hopes that it would help others, in a similar situation, to feel less alone:

Part of me thinks that if my husband were hitting me, things would be easier. At least then I would know what to do and I could have a plan of action. I would leave him, and feel completely justified knowing that I just protected myself and my child from physical harm. But, my husband doesn’t hit me. He doesn’t ever lay a hand on me except when he’s being affectionate.

My husband suffers from bipolar episodes of depression that leave me feeling battered and bruised mentally and emotionally. One minute he tells me that he loves me, and the next minute he tells me he doesn’t want to exist. When he gets in his depressed mood, he often tries to tell me that he feels cooped up, stuffed, contained, and that he wants to be free.

He used to tell me that he needs “more time with the guys to do guy stuff.” Over time, his complaints evolved to needing more “things to do” and “man time alone.” He’s complained about our finances, his responsibilities, and told me that he wishes he were single but couldn’t imagine being alone. He often dreams of being young again, having vitality, and youthful excursions of strength.

When he is gone all day and doesn’t make any effort to engage in conversation or enjoy my company when he returns in the evening, it feels as if I am invisible. He takes time to help me take care of our son, but his efforts are not based on love, they are based on his compelling need to control the situation since I take too much time doing things.

When he is not depressed and in his best of moods, I feel elation, love, and adoration for this man that I married. He can be the best of men, and he can be the worst of men. I love my husband, but I also fear him. I know that his mood can set a tone in our home that affects my emotional and mental well being. More importantly, I know that it can affect our son, and that is what truly bothers me. I don’t want my son to be a on that roller coaster with his father. I don’t want him to suffer through the ups and downs simply because his father has a problem with depression.

When my husband seeks to tell me why he is depressed, his evolving excuses always hover around how my son and I are limiting him in some way. He thinks that he is telling me that the solution to his problems is to have more time to do “whatever seems to fit at the moment”, but what I hear is that my son and I are a burden, and that we keep him from being happy. That he loves us but doesn’t want to be with us.

And that is where I am left to wonder what to do. I am an independent woman, and would not fear being a single mom if it were necessary. Yet, I know that marriage is sacred and that we are to do all that is possible to keep our marriages together. Too many marriages end in divorce, and I do not want to be divorced. I am fighting tooth and nail to save this marriage because I care about my commitment to God and to my family.

If he were hitting me, I would have a bruise, and a sure sign of abuse. No one would question my need to have a dramatic intervention in our lives, but I am not bruised on the outside, I am bruised inside. Some of me thinks that I have the victim mentality that commonly comes when a person is abused. I keep thinking of ways that I can be more loving, more kind, and a better person to stop the hurting and to stop the depression and its accompanying critisms. I blame myself for these problems even though I really know that they are completely out of my hands. I have to battle the automatic thought that “I am not suffering any more than women that put up with husbands who are less perfect than they had hoped.” Deep down inside, I am not healing from these episodes and the things that are said during depressive outpourings of emotion. I am no longer capable of keeping calm and feeling in control. I feel sad. I feel angry, and I want peace instead of turmoil in my home.

I need a plan of action, and I am out of the answers that I hoped would work. I feel resentment for this roller coaster I am asked to ride over and over again, day after day. It needs to end. But, what do I do? I am praying for answers and hoping someone will be inspired to say the right thing at the right time, because I can use all the help I can get.

Video Clips: Sharing Experiences

2009-09-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

In conjunction with an upcoming documentary on PBS called Minds on the Edge: Facing Mental Illness, the Fred Friendly Seminars have posted many clips, of which this is one, on YouTube. I found them fascinating. This was one of the longest, but I was very intrigued by what Ms. Hardin had to say about the use of marijuana and its ties to schizophrenia.

Personally, I identified most with the experience of Scott Whitley, while Nancy Edwards' story was to me the most touching. The panel discussions are very interesting, too, as well as many, many more of the clips from those who share their experiences with mental illness. Here is the YouTube page.

Staying Afloat Unemployed

2009-08-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

Last Friday marked the three month anniversary of my husband's last day at the Boeing Company after having received a layoff notice. Despite due diligence in a job search, he continues to be unemployed. Here is what has happened in the last three months:

(1) Due to provisions in the contract between the SPEEA union and the Boeing Company, under which my husband was working, Boeing has continued to pay for our medical insurance--up until now. We just received a bill for $1,373.91 to be paid by September 1, for one month's health insurance premiums. But I will have more to say about that later.

(2) We have been receiving about half of our former income in the form of a weekly check from the Employment Security Department of Washington State (commonly called an "unemployment check"). By using food from storage and cutting back, we have managed to get by on these checks by supplementing them with 200 dollars per week from our savings account. Our savings are still in good shape.

(3) Mental-health-wise, this has been a good season for me. I seem to have finally settled on the right combination of medications, and having my best friend husband spend every day with me has been wonderful, as well. Because of savings and food storage (thank you, Prophets of God) and a good worker's contract (thank you, union and company) and unemployment checks (thank you, legislators), we have not had worries this summer and have been able to enjoy the time together, taking walks, grocery shopping, watching a favorite television series, and sitting at the beach, tossing pebbles into the water. It has been a very healing time for me, and I have been more and more able to function like I used to. It has been a time of Peace.

(4) With continuing assistance from state and federal programs, we will be able to subsist on our savings and food storage for six months more, while my husband goes to college for the first time. He is all signed up. His tuition will be paid by the State of Washington.

Our savings are depleting, but should last for another six months, despite the jump in medical insurance costs. This is because our insurance premiums will not be as high as indicated by the statement we received in the mail last week. As part of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA), which was signed into law by President Obama on February 17, 2009 as part of the Economic Stimulus Package, we are entiled to COBRA premium assistance.

COBRA (the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1985) made it possible for workers to keep their health insurance after layoffs by paying their premiums out-of-pocket. ARRA cuts the costs of those COBRA payments by two thirds. The bottom line is, we need pay only 35% of our total insurance premium for each of the next six months. (A thank you to the President and Congress.) We have already sent our first check for $480.87, and we have just enough left in our savings account to do that five more times.

(5) Our hope is that husband can stay in school and complete a two-year degree in business management. The next six months look good. After that, we will see what Father has as our next surprise. His plan for us is certainly working out so far. (A call back to Boeing would sure be nice, I think.)

A thank you to lapstrake for the photograph.

The Drama Triangle

2009-07-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, a dear friend introduced to me the Drama Triangle, which has since saved me a lot of grief. Once I recognized such a construct operating in a relationship important to me, I was able to step back and see it with much less heartache.

The idea of the Drama Triangle is that in relationships we may be inclined to take the roles of victims, persecutors, and rescuers, none of which are healthy. When a particular relationship I was in was at its most heated, I drew a triangle with the word victim written at one point, persecutor at a second, and rescuer at the third point of the triangle, with the warning to "stay out of the triangle" written alongside. I posted it on my refrigerator as a constant reminder. It helped.

Wickidedia has a good explanation here. If you have not known of the concept before, maybe it will be a help to you to understand about the Drama Triangle, too. I'd love to hear your stories. Please share if you feel so inclined.

A thank you to Heather for her inspired teaching and to bram_app for sharing the above photo on flickr.

NAMI Memebers Talk About Mental Illnesses

2009-07-17T15:08:00.001-07:00

NAMI has posted a collection of videos of members speaking about their experiences with mental illnesses. I found them quite riveting; encouraging, too. Here is the link.

Those Who Support

2009-07-01T12:24:00.001-07:00

How blessed we are that the world has men such as these.

I am so very thankful for my husband, who is in so many ways like Bill.

Good Rain

2009-06-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

I have long been aware of the scripture which teaches us that our "Father which is in Heaven . . . maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."--Matthew 5:45

For a long time, I read this scripture thinking that his sun represented good things and rain represented bad. Where I live sunlight is a precious commodity, while a nearly-constant threat of rain keeps things rather gloomy.

I have grown to realize that both sun and rain are, of course, blessings.

Since I know that it is my Father who is making the sun to rise on me, and is also sending the rain, I think I would be wise to welcome both, whether I bake or shiver, am drenched or parched.

There is something to be said for basking a bit in sunshine.

There is something to be said, too, for keeping one's umbrella turned bowl-side up.

A thank you to ovizo0n for sharing this photo on flickr.

Joey Pantoliano Speaks Out Against Stigma

2009-05-31T14:34:00.000-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Joe Pantoliano is the founder and president of "No Kidding, Me Too!" For more information on the work being done there and a link to a trailer for an upcoming documentary, visit the website home page at NKM2.org.

I like to visit there and read and watch the videos to help me remember that I am part of a community, that there are others who understand what I feel and experience.

Nice Axe

2009-05-20T10:37:00.001-07:00

Nice axe, originally uploaded by Lonnon Foster.

We are unemployed.

Driving on Overload

2009-05-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of how I'm feeling lately. Thank you for asking.

Manic again. Lots going on inside this brain.

A thank you to maxw for sharing this photo in Creative Commons on Flickr.com.

The Need for a Predictable Life

2009-05-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

A thank you to _aeb for sharing her drawing in Creative Commons on flickr.

From Matters of the Mind*:

"Some suggestions for helping others cope with bipolar illness include the following:

"Create a low-stress, comfortable environment. Keep sensory stimulation, such as noise, at a low level. Keep life predictable."

I guess it is no wonder that I am feeling depressed again, with a lay-off notice looming over our heads, scheduled to show up this Friday. Kind people are helping in every way possible to keep it from happening. I feel blessed so much, too, for savings in the bank, for food in the pantry, for the help of friends and of heaven.

But I do think that I will be healthier when life is more predictable once more.

*Matters of the Mind: Latter-day Saint Helps for Mental Health, Edited by Marleen S. Williams, Ph.D., W. Dean Belnap, M.D., John P. Liningstone, Ed.D., Deseret Book, Salt lake City, Utah, 2008, page 164.

"Everybody Deserves a Roof"

2009-04-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

A thank you to franco folini for sharing this photograph on flickr.

As I wrote about on this blog before, I feel a great affinity with the homeless among us. I particularly empathize with a need to have more privacy than what is afforded by a homeless shelter. I was heartened, therefore, to find this website about the EDAR (Everybody Deserves a Roof) project. You may want to go visit the site and see and read more there. Here is bit of history.

"Peter Samuelson began counting the homeless people on his bicycle route from Westwood, Los Angeles to the beach in Santa Monica and return. There were 62 homeless people on those streets, including many women and several children. Peter interviewed all 62 of them and then conceptualized a mobile single-person device that would facilitate recycling (a principal source of income for many who are homeless) by day and at night convert into a dry, safe tent-like enclosure for sleeping, raised off the concrete, with privacy and storage space.

"Peter sponsored an EDAR design competition at the Pasadena Art Center College of Design. As a result, Peter met designers Eric Lindeman and Jason Zasa, who won the prize, and they have been working pro bono ever since. Wire design and fabrication have been provided free of charge by John Ondrasic and Mike Orozco of Precision Wire Inc."

(Read more here.)

Divine Design

2009-03-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

"Now, as you and I look at our lives . . . , we sometimes do not understand that through which we are passing, but, being submissive, we can trust Him.

"The day will come, brothers and sisters, when the tapestry of your life will be unfolded, and you will see divine design all though it, and praise God for the experience and the tutoring which, in His goodness, He has given you"

(Neal A. Maxwell, "Willing to Submit" [address given at BYU-Hawaii devotional, 9 Feb. 1988, p.8).

A thank you to Whatknot for sharing this photo on flickr.

Like a Submissive Child

2009-03-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

"Those who submit like a child do it because they know that the Father wants only the happiness of His children and that only He knows the way. That is the testimony we must have to keep praying like a submissive child, in the good times as well as the times of trouble.

"With that faith, we will be able to pray for what we want and appreciate whatever we get."

--Elder Henry B. Eyring of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in Conference Report, October 2001 or Ensign November 2001

With thanks to Collin Key for sharing this photo on flickr.

"Depression: They Just Don't Get It"

2009-03-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

There is an excellent blog post today by Therese J. Borchard titled "Depression: They Just Don't Get It." Here is an excerpt:

"I was both enraged and saddened that friends and family were shocked to hear that two doctors sliced me open — before full anesthesia kicked in — to save little David’s life in an emergency C-section. Yet when I voiced the desperation of depression — which made the knife cut feel like a knee scratch — they often brushed it off, as if I were whining to win some undeserved sympathy votes.

But I should know better. Most people don’t get it. And the day I get that through my head I’ll be less disappointed."

See the full post here.

Photo by pulpolux.

2009-03-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." --Isaiah 55:8-9

I am so thankful today to know that the Lord is mindful of my family and has a plan for our good.

My husband received difficult news yesterday:
As of May 22nd, we will join the ranks of the unemployed.

A thank you to James Jordan for sharing this photograph on flickr.

The Boat

2009-03-18T10:02:00.001-07:00

Red Fishing Boat at Cape Croker, originally uploaded by Bobcatnorth.
I owned a little boat a while ago,
And sailed the morning sea without a fear,
And whither any breeze might fairly blow
I steered my little craft afar and near.

Mine was the boat
And mine the air,
And mine the sea,
Nor mine a care.

My boat became my place of mighty toil,
I sailed at evening to the fishing ground,
At morn my boat was freighted with the spoil
Which my all-conquering work had found.

Mine was the boat
And mine the net,
And mine the skill
And power to get.

One day there came along that silent shore,
While I my net was casting in the sea,
A Man who spoke as never man before.
I followed Him; new life began in me.

Mine was the boat,
But His the voice,
And His the call,
Yet mine the choice.

Ah! 'twas a fearful night out on the lake,
And all my skill availed not, at the helm,
Till Him asleep I waked, crying, "Take
Thou the helm--lest water overwhelm!"

And His the boat,
And His the sea,
And His the peace
O'er all and me.

Once from the boat He taught the curious throng
Then bade me cast my net into the sea;
I murmured but obeyed, nor was it long
Before the catch amazed and humbled me.

His was the boat,
And His the skill.
And His the catch,
And His my will.

"The Boat" by George Macdonald from The Master Library, Volume III, copyright 1927, by The Master Library Company, formerly The Foundation Press.

Photograph by Bobcatnorth.

Nine Minutes to Touch Your Heart

2009-03-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

This is a video sent to me by my husband to brighten my day.
It worked.

I was particularly touched to see that the woman was wearing a hospital gown.

Creating

2009-03-09T11:01:00.001-07:00

quilt thinking pinkly back, originally uploaded by DallanQuilts.

I have found the creative process to be an essential component in coping with mental illness. My particular choice of work allows me to accomplish the mentally creative and high-energy phase of a project when I am feeling well or manic, and a second, more peaceful phase when I am depressed.

My passion happens to be for making quilts which are finished by hand. A special fund of money has been set aside specifically for my projects. When I am feeling energized and bursting with ideas, I plan and purchase and expend the necessary energy required at the cutting table and sewing machine to satisfy the requirements of phase one of a quilt. In phase two I get to immerse myself in the rhythmic task of hand quilting a top to a batting and back. This part of the process can continue as I cycle into a period of depression. One characteristic of depression is the inability to make decisions. When I am hand-quilting, the only decision I need to make is where to begin with the next line of thread.

I am confident that there are many other creative outlets which also have this two-phase pattern. Knitting is an obvious one. Executing a woodworking project, with its second phase being hours of sanding, might be excellent, as would be planning and choosing colors followed by the sanding of a car prior to a new paint job. Choosing which picture to paint might satisfy the decision-making phase for some, while completing a paint-by-number, with all the choices of color and placement ready-made, might be very relaxing and helpful in a phase two quest for peace. I can also imagine great satisfaction in spending passionate days choosing and constructing fishing lures, to be followed by quiet, peaceful hours with a line in the water.

I highly recommend finding something creative to do. Put into your budget all the time and the money you can afford. Remember, the creative process aids in healing, and may be looked upon as a necessary medical expense. When one is already riddled with unjustified guilt, such a concept may make it easier to move forward and do the thing that you would truly love to do.

Chipping Away

2009-03-03T11:54:00.001-08:00

Chipping away at the corner, originally uploaded by Underpuppy.

I learned long ago that it was not good for me try to stay with a job, uninterrupted, from beginning to end. I generally become very anxious, for example, if I attempt to put all the clothes away when they come out of the dryer. So, I chip away. It works much better for me to just throw things on the bed, then pick up an item or two, and put them away, each time I pass through the room. How much of this is due to Bipolar Disorder, or to ADD, which I also have, is a mystery to me. Perhaps you have an insight to share about this.

A benchmark for me as to how I am doing with healing, as a matter of fact, is whether or not I am able to unload the dishwasher entirely of its clean dishes in one standing.

What a treat it is when that happens.

Lately, my husband has been doing the dishwasher tasks a lot.

A thank you to Underpuppy for sharing this picture on flickr.

My Mind of Late

2009-03-02T07:23:00.000-08:00

Devil Rock from Stefan on Vimeo.

I have so many thoughts that I can't think. The spinning keeps me in a stupor. Does anyone know what I mean?

This is my brain on mania.

Living in Fog

2009-02-22T16:27:00.001-08:00

Morning, originally uploaded by mysza831.

I love living here, where the outside matches my inside.
I love how fog makes everything quiet and still.
That's just the way I like my life to be:

Quiet.

Still.

A thank you to mysza831 for sharing this photo on flickr.

2009-02-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

When you have 20 minutes to do so, I urge you to watch this TED talk by Elizabeth Gilbert. I wept through it. It speaks so eloquently to the connection between creativity and mental illness. I am confident that you will be moved by it, too.

A thank you to Timothy K Hamilton for sharing this picture on flickr, and to Chris Hathaway for bringing the TED talk to my attention.

And You?

2009-02-16T10:14:00.001-08:00

Heavy snow - 1, originally uploaded by randihausken.

I'm doing what I can today, to fight off feeling like this.

The caption on this picture reads,
"Heavy snow and poor light today, too."

I appreciate randihausken for sharing this photograph on flickr. I doubt that it ever crossed her mind that this picture would be deemed suitable for display on a mental illness blog.

But, there it is.

Perhaps you, too, feel bent over and burdened and chilled this day. May you have whatever you need to help you to shake off the snow and stand tall again, despite the cold and dimness which presently engulf you.

Simplify

2009-02-15T09:55:00.001-08:00

Winter - simplified :), originally uploaded by randihausken.

"In our search to obtain relief from the stresses of life, may we earnestly seek ways to simplify our lives."

--Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Ensign, November 2008, pg 10.

A thank you to randihausken for sharing this photo on flickr.

Proceed with Caution

2009-02-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

Warning:

Depression may be exacerbated by too much time outside the home.
Do not attempt to go grocery shopping two days in a row, even when accompanied by supportive family members.
Pushing limits even slightly may result in dizziness and anxiety upon entering a crowded chapel on the Sabbath.
If this reaction occurs, expect to be unable to function well the following day.

The Invisibility of Some Disabilities

2009-02-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

Am I awful for envying those whose disabilities are visible? The sorts of folks represented in this picture are the only people who qualify for a seat on a bus in Bergen. I would have to stand. But then again, I would never board a public bus, let alone one so crowded that there were not even enough seats for all the passengers.

While others were jostling along viewing the delights of a beautiful city, I would be thankful to be safe at home, dealing as best I could with my invisible disability.

A thank you to Jill for sharing this photograph on flickr.

"The Blessing of the Blackberry Bush"

2009-02-06T11:13:00.001-08:00

“The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by.”

--Elder George Q. Cannon, as cited in the story linked below.

Those who know me best will not be surprised when I confess that
this story resonated deeply with me when I read it in this month's Ensign magazine.

It is always encouraging for me to remember the purposefulness of thorns.

See more from Greg Newbold, the artist who illustrated the story for the Ensign, here.

When Guilt Breaks Through the Calm

2009-01-27T10:50:00.001-08:00

Stormy Coast
Originally uploaded by orvaratli

Reminders are good. Reminders in writing by experts are sometimes especially good. I try to live life as simply and as stress-free as possible, but unwarranted guilt repeatedly disturbs my calm. ("You are selfish. You are spoiled. You are not doing your share.")

I'm thankful for this passage from Matters of the Mind: Latter-day Saint Helps for Mental Health, page 164, under suggestions for helping others cope with bipolar illness:

"Create a low-stress, comfortable environment. Keep sensory stimulation, such as noise, at a low level. Keep life predictable."

These are exactly the conditions I feel are critical for me to maintain. I am thankful to have this additional witness that my impressions are correct, and my desires valid.

It is not only okay; it is right and good and proper to take care of myself.

A thank you to orvaratli for sharing this photograph on flickr.

Imperfection

2009-01-23T12:21:00.001-08:00

imperfect 殘念
Originally uploaded by Shenghung Lin

". . . although sin is an imperfection, not all imperfection is sin."

Quote taken from this article in this month's Ensign magazine.

A thank you to Shenghung Lin for sharing this photograph on flickr.

Serenity

2009-01-21T12:39:00.001-08:00

Frosted
Originally uploaded by tommy martin

She Shines

2009-01-19T13:30:00.001-08:00

Knights! In Shining Armour.
Originally uploaded by Isthmene

My very own Princess in Shining Armour rode in and helped me save my head today.

And my hair, too.

Thank you, Kate.

And thank you to Isthmene for sharing this photo on flickr.

A Mess

2009-01-19T11:51:00.001-08:00

personal responsiblity packets
Originally uploaded by _aeb

I'm a mess today. I hacked and coughed all night. Slept late. Am low in energy and depressed.

Last night I chopped at my hair. It looks awful.

In short, I am feeling crazy.

Again.

A thank you to _aeb for generously sharing this work of art on flickr.

False Alarm

2009-01-18T11:36:00.001-08:00

false alarm....
Originally uploaded by JustUptown

The rash is fading.

A thank you to JustUptown for sharing this photo on flickr.

Rash

2009-01-16T12:58:00.001-08:00

Leaves broke out with "fall rash"
Originally uploaded by Ctd 2005

I have a rash. I also have that virus which is going around. Viruses can bring on rashes. Lamictal, which is the medication I take to stabilize my mood swings, can bring on a rash as well. I did not know before taking Lamictal that any rash could be life-threatening, but the Lamictal rash, which is Stevens-Johnson syndrome, is such a rash. The standard advisement is to contact one's doctor immediately if a rash appears.

I called my psychiatrist's office when I got up this morning. I could hardly speak because of the phlegm in my throat, from the flu, but I asked for an appointment as soon as possible. I was connected to another receptionist, with whom--between fits of coughing and considerable clearing of my throat-- I left a message on a machine.

Now, after several hours, I have yet to hear back. Left hanging, I feel foolish, realizing that this may all be a false alarm. On the other hand, my vision has gotten increasingly blurred over the past months, which is also a Lamictal side-effect. It would be nice to be able to see what I am writing again. I think that I don't want to be on Lamictal any more.

I feel like all of this is too much for me to handle. I am depressed and crying again, and just when I was beginning to feel some normalcy coming back into my life.

(For those who are searching for information on the Lamictal rash, there are pictures on Google Images, which are like the rash I am experiencing. My daughter, however, was on Lamictal and developed a different sort of rash, which manifested as purple blotches on the underside of her chin. It appeared shortly after she began taking the Lamictal, and disappeared as soon as she stopped taking it with a switch to Depakote. Our psychiatrist says that the rash can appear at any time and in a variety of forms.)

Update: Having just re-read this post, I can see why my mom panicked and counseled me via email to go immediately to the ER. What I did not make clear was that what I was experiencing was just the faint beginnings of what looked like it could be the Lamictal rash. The photographs online are quite graphic and definitely scary looking. I just have a few-- 12 or 15-- pink and red spots.

It is now nine p.m. I never did hear back from the psychiatrist's office. I suspect that, despite my efforts to speak clearly on the message I left, the words came out garbled on the other end and no one could tell who called. Anyway, after taking an Ativan for my mounting anxiety, and spending the afternoon hacking and sneezing, but not dying, I'm not worried much about the rash at this point. I will just keep an eye on it. It will probably leave with the flu virus.

(Sorry, Mom.)

A thank you to Ctd 2005 for sharing this photograph on flickr.

The Experience of Grief

2009-01-06T11:19:00.000-08:00

Today is the anniversary of the birth, and of the death, of Kristy Palizzi Ragsdale. As the most understanding of friends, her mother, Ann, has helped me through the many bouts of depression which I have endured over the years. She continues to be an example of wisdom and strength to me and to so many others. Here is her latest entry from Kristy's memorial blog. Perhaps you will be blessed today by her strength and wisdom as I have so often been.

The photograph is from www.heraldextra.com, where you can read more about Kristy's story.

The Truth About Perfection

2009-01-06T10:25:00.001-08:00

Ready to fly (II)
Originally uploaded by marcelgermain

"Perfection is pending.
It can come in full only
after the Resurrection
and only through the Lord."

Elder Russell M. Nelson
General Conference
September -October 1995

(Italics added.)

A thank you to marcelgermain for sharing this photo on flickr.

Repost: A Reminder

2009-01-06T10:05:00.001-08:00

Sunday, September 7, 2008

"Painful Things Happen Even to the Pure"

"To those who stagger or stumble, He is there to steady and strengthen us. In the end He is there to save us, and for all this He gave His life. However dim our days . . . may seem, they have been a lot darker for the Savior of the world. As a reminder of those days, Jesus has chosen . . . to retain for the benefit of His disciples the wounds in His hands and in His feet and in His side--signs, if you will, that painful things happen even to the pure and perfect; signs, if you will, that pain in this world is not evidence that God doesn't love you; signs, if you will, that problems pass and happiness can be ours . . . It is the wounded Christ who is captain of our souls, He who yet bears the scars of our forgiveness, the lesions of His love and humility, the torn flesh of obedience and sacrifice.

These wounds are the principal way we are to recognize Him when He comes."

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
CES Conference at BYU
8 August 2000

A thank you to midiman for sharing this photograph on flickr.

No

2008-12-18T11:10:00.001-08:00

fairies kites
Originally uploaded by aussiegall

This time around, I will say "no" more often.

"No. I'm not going."
"No. It's too much for me."
"No. I can't. I simply can't."

I plan to say I'm sorry, too.
But only when I really am sorry.
And only when there is something to be sorry about.

I need not apologize for being ill, for taking care of myself.

I fear that if I get too tethered this next time around, it will be the end of me. As frazzled as I may be and as flitty the flight, I must fly from now on. I must.

I must.

A thank you to aussiegall for sharing this perfect photo on flickr.

Stairway

2008-12-17T14:50:00.001-08:00

Stairway
Originally uploaded by Wolfgang Staudt

I am getting better.

Shopped alone.
Going to church on Sunday.
Feeling cheery.

Wow.

A thank you to Wolfgang Staudt for sharing this photograph on flickr.

Blank

2008-12-15T14:36:00.001-08:00

28/03/2007: Nothing to Report
Originally uploaded by Djenan

Sometimes the best thing that I can do for my health is to declare a Do Nothing Day.

On Do Nothing Days I generally get the essentials done. I generally get more than just the essentials done. But a Do Nothing Day means that the pressure is off. I do not feel that I have to do anything.

Today I drove to see my psychiatrist on roads which were sheets of ice. Once I was safe back at home, I took an Ativan, ate some chocolate, and declared the balance of the day a Do Nothing.

It helps

A thank you to Djenan for sharing this photograph on flickr. Yes, that is a photograph of a day of doing nothing. I love it.

Nearer to God than you Think

2008-12-12T10:11:00.001-08:00

will
Originally uploaded by zachstern

President Harold B. Lee once remarked:
"Don't be afraid of the testing and trials of life. sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea . . . "
(In Conference Report, Munich Germany Area conference, 1973, 114.) [Ensign February 2009]

Thank you to zachstern for sharing this photograph on flickr.

Tapestries of the Divine

2008-12-07T10:29:00.001-08:00

"Now, as you and I look at our lives . . . we sometimes do not understand that through which we are passing, but, being submissive, we can trust Him.

"The day will come, brothers and sisters, when the tapestry of your life will be unfolded, and you will see divine design all through it, and praise God for the experience and the tutoring which, in His goodness, He has given you" (Neal A. Maxwell, "Willing to Submit" [address given at BYU-Hawaii devotional, 9 Feb. 1988, p.8).

A thank you to SullyT64Photography for the picture.

"Unwell"

2008-12-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much, Daniel.

The One

2008-12-03T10:50:00.001-08:00

"Some are lost because they are different. They feel as though they don’t belong. Perhaps because they are different, they find themselves slipping away from the flock. They may look, act, think, and speak differently than those around them and that sometimes causes them to assume they don’t fit in. They conclude that they are not needed.

"Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.

"This variety of creation itself is a testament of how the Lord values all His children. He does not esteem one flesh above another, but He 'inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; . . . all are alike unto God.'”--Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Conference, April 2008

Thank you to Breathez for pointing out this touching quote. See the entire article here.
Show Off
Originally uploaded by nickwheeleroz

A Thank you to nickwheeleroz for sharing this photograph on flickr.com.

Am I, Too, Not a Beggar?

2008-11-30T16:02:00.001-08:00

I needed to visit a store yesterday to pick up something necessary for a creative project, so in the hour before the stores opened, my husband and I took our early-morning Saturday walk in the shopping district of downtown Olympia.

There, on the Fourth Avenue sidewalk, we were approached by a tall, bony woman with a story to tell:
She had been living at the Salvation Army.
Some of the other women didn't like her so she had been forced to leave.
She didn't know what she was going to do as she lacked even the necessary bus fare to get to her job.

Could we give her just a dollar or something to help her out?

"And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish." Mosiah 4:16

In spite of her apparent heart-felt sincerity and anxiety, I was about 95 percent certain that she was lying to us. She seemed to be a gifted actress, and I was awed by her skills. She appeared to be so genuine, but the bus-fare story is awfully familiar to me. I have seen too often how those who are desperate will manipulate caring people. And, sure enough, even after she had plenty of bus fare in her pockets, she continued to approach strangers on the streets.

"Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just--" Mosiah 4:17

All the same, I was not troubled or turned away by her lies. I simply desired to help her, and not because there was in my mind a 5 percent chance that she was telling the truth. I simply desired to help her and it did not matter to me why she begged, or what she was going to do with the money.

"But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God." Mosiah 4:18

Before I could follow my own impulse to give, my husband reached into his wallet and handed her a five-dollar bill. She thanked us profusely, even giving each of us a hug. I wondered if the hugs were attempts to pick our pockets, but sharing them was worth the danger. Her apparent gratitude was profuse. I was happy to hug her. I was warmed by that connection.

My husband and I had merely sacrificed the difference between eating a fast-food meal out or eating from one of our many choices back at our lovely home.

"For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?" Mosiah 4:19

We continued on our way. I almost broke into tears as we walked the next couple of blocks.

Why?

Because that woman could be me.

"And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another." Mosiah 4: 21

There I was, walking down the sidewalk in my new wool coat, arm in arm with the dear man who loves me and takes care of me.

"And the hand of providence hath smiled upon you most pleasingly, that you have obtained many riches; and because some of you have obtained more abundantly than that of your brethren ye are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear stiff necks and high heads because of the costliness of your apparel, and persecute your brethren because ye suppose that ye are better than they." Jacob 2:13

My illness makes following a series of steps impossible. What if I had to follow seventeen steps to get food or shelter or warmth? The people on the street are often criticized for not taking advantage of the community resources available to them. Would I be able to access such resources with my current lack of mental health? I cannot imagine riding a bus to get to where I needed to go. I cannot imagine being clear enough in my mind to fill out one government form, let alone a stack of them. I cannot imagine sleeping in a strange room full of strange people. It is so far beyond my scope of possibilities that I cannot even imagine it.

"And now, my brethren, I have spoken unto you concerning pride; and those of you which have afflicted your neighbor, and persecuted him because ye were proud in your hearts, of the things which God hath given you, what say ye of it?

"Do ye not suppose that such things are abominable unto him who created all flesh? And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other. . . . " Jacob 2: 20-21

This I can imagine--
I can imagine that I could muster up the ability to accomplish three simple steps:
(1) beg
(2) eat
(3) medicate.

"Think of your brethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all and free with your substance, that they may be rich like unto you." Jacob 2:17

As I have striven to think of my brethren like unto myself, the plight of the mentally ill has become very familiar. Perhaps what Jacob was saying when he counseled us to "be familiar with all," was that we need to see through the mind of another. I am finding that as life is forcing me to do so, I am experiencing a growing desire that all may be rich like unto me. In light of all that I know from firsthand experience, being free with my substance seems like a very little thing.

Read more on a similar topic at Green Mormon Architect's post about beggars at the temple.

P1030380
Originally uploaded by _aeb

A thank you to _aeb for sharing this illustration on flickr.com.

An Eerie Yellow in the Trees

2008-11-25T09:56:00.001-08:00

trees 1
Originally uploaded by Tim Caynes

The migraines are back.
Ugh.

A thank you to Tim Caynes for sharing this photo on flickr.

Litmus

2008-11-23T13:23:00.001-08:00

PH eddies in a litmus solution
Originally uploaded by gever tulley

"Why did the Lord ask such things of Abraham? Because, knowing what his future would be . . . he was determined to test him. God did not do this for His own sake; for He knew by His foreknowledge what Abraham would do; but the purpose was to impress upon Abraham a lesson, and to enable him to attain unto knowledge that he could not obtain in any other way. That is why God tries all of us. It is not for His own knowledge; for He knows all things beforehand. He knows all your lives and everything you will do. But he tries us for our own good, that we may know ourselves."

(George Q. Cannon, in Conference Report, April 1899, 66).

Thank you to gever tulley for sharing this photograph, "PH eddies in a litmus solution," on flickr.

Mania

2008-11-20T12:40:00.001-08:00

75 Bands Cleverly Represented In This Picture
Originally uploaded by ClintJCL

I have been asked how it is that I recognize that I am transitioning into a manic state. For me, it is pretty simple. I notice that I am having some trouble sleeping. I notice that I would like to spend money on frivolous things, every day, and sneakily. Sometimes I talk more and faster. I think that I eat more, too, especially sweets.

These things have been trying to overtake me again.

I'm glad that I have learned how to catch mania before it explodes on me. I'm glad that this time I have the option of cutting back on my meds. I hope that it helps. I do not like to be manic--even the hypo version.

Thank you to ClintJCL for sharing this picture on flickr.

One Less Brick

2008-11-19T10:16:00.001-08:00

from whence the brick came
Originally uploaded by Leonard John Matthews

I had to back off my anti-depressant because I was seeing signs of mania coming on. I'm back to the original dosage.

Sigh.

Thank you to Leonard John Matthews for sharing this picture on flickr.

Accomodations in Church

2008-11-18T16:34:00.001-08:00

Some handicaps are obvious to the casual observer. For mental illness, however, the needs of the afflicted one may not be apparent. Here is the way one fellow-sufferer, whose letter is shared here with permission, helped others to understand her unique challenges regarding her church calling.

"I've been thinking a lot about my calling in primary. I guess I feel obligated to tell you (and the presidency via this email that I am sending to you), that I have great doubts about my ability to be a stable teacher for the kids in my class. I LOVE the kids. They are great, but I feel emotionally overwhelmed each Sunday, and it is starting to effect my performance as a teacher in primary, as well as my feelings of well being and peace in other areas of my life.

"I have bi-polar disorder, as well as ADD. I take medication daily for each of the disorders. One of the saving graces in my life is that I can take care of my son, and that my Sundays are uplifting and relaxing. It helps my emotions and spirit prepare for the following weeks trials, which will inevitably come as I try to balance my bi-polar and ADD characteristics while taking care of my son and the housework.

"A majority of the symptoms I feel from my disorders are a high level of anxiety and having a low stress tolerance. There are some things I do with ease, but there are some things that cause me a great deal of stress and anxiety that is beyond my control and ability to stop. I take medication to keep my anxiety under control but it doesn't prevent all anxiety and stress from occurring, otherwise I'd be a vegetable.

"Primary causes a lot of stress, and my auto reaction to that stress is to emotionally shut down. Usually, that means I just stay in my apartment where I can be at peace and control my environment. As much as I love the kids in primary, primary itself is a major stress point for me. I may look cool on the outside, but on the inside I am high in anxiety and feeling depressed.

"I know that each person has unique challenges and trials, and I really hate to ever back down from a challenge, especially when that challenge involves a church calling, but for the sake of the children, I feel you should know that I do not think I will have the fortitude or the mental capacity to deal with my class every Sunday. It may be much more helpful to rotate with a teacher each Sunday so I do not have to be in class and primary every week. I fear if we do not take some sort of action, then the children will suffer because of my inability to be reliable and consistent.

"I want to do what the Lord has asked me to do, and I also feel the desire to serve. Coming to terms with the fact that I cannot handle everything given to me is difficult for me to admit. I don't like admitting I have a disability, or that I have certain limitations because I am a perfectionist, but I am trying to be realistic so that you know where I am coming from and the kids in my class can benefit fully from the primary program."

Perhaps this example will help you with your particular challenges. I know that it has helped me. Thank you, E, for sharing this.

Thank you to g.originals for sharing the above photograph in Creative Commons on flickr.

Climbing or Descending?

2008-11-16T11:05:00.000-08:00

Am I climbing up, or am I descending?
One day it looks like one, another day like the other.

Thank you to confusedvision for sharing this photo in Creative Commons at flickr.

Beauty in the Deep

2008-11-14T11:51:00.000-08:00

"For thou hadst cast me into the deep,
in the midst of the seas; and the floods compassed me about:
all thy billows and thy waves passed over me.

Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight; yet I will look again toward thy holy temple.

The waters compassed me about, even to the soul:
the depth closed me round about,
the weeds were wrapped about my head.

I went down to the bottoms of the mountains;
the earth with her bars was about me for ever:
yet hast thou brought up my life from corruption, O Lord my God."

Jonah 2: 3-6

Galapagos from Darek Sepiolo on Vimeo.

Order

2008-11-13T10:14:00.001-08:00

A: An organized system of learned behavior that is a total way of life of a people.
Originally uploaded by zachstern

I am beginning to feel better, and I am organizing everything in sight.

Thank you to zachstern for sharing this picture on flickr.

Fire and Water

2008-11-09T10:27:00.001-08:00

Fire and Water
Originally uploaded by peasap

I awoke in a deluge of painful memories and tears.
I am trying to remember that what burns also purifies.

The photographer commented regarding this picture:
"It's just a small flame, with Flood added to make the reflection.
The shape makes me think of an angel."

Thank you, Father,
For pushing me down,
And scorching the dross.

Healing Hurts.

Thank you peasap for sharing.

Grogley Halt

2008-11-06T10:47:00.001-08:00

Grogley Halt
Originally uploaded by Rich+

I upped my anti-depressant.

Now I am in a grogley halt.

Kind of stuck. More depressed. Not doing much.

Parked.

At lease I am parked in a beautiful landscape.

This, too, shall pass.

I hope.

Thank you to Rich+ for sharing this photograph on flickr.

Burdens and Blessings

2008-11-04T11:46:00.001-08:00

Heavy burden
Originally uploaded by villoks

"But the tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed, and conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way."

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Ensign, October 2006, 15

Thank you to villoks for sharing this photograph on flickr.

Upcoming Movie Addresses Schizophrenia

2008-10-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

I love good movies. Imagine how excited I was to read about one with great promise today at NAMI. See the article here.

The trailer is very moving, and brought me to tears. See it here.

There are good things on the move in this world.

Photo from IMDb.

Metamorphosis

2008-10-31T10:23:00.000-07:00

Metamorphosis from Glenn Marshall on Vimeo.

Something to Think About

2008-10-25T12:18:00.001-07:00

The Perception of Doors
Originally uploaded by inkswamp

Thank you to inkswamp for sharing this photograph on Flickr.

Weight Gain and Meds

2008-10-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

I found this article, "Preventing and Reversing Weight Gain Associated with Psychiatric Medications," helpful. Perhaps you will, too.

(Found today at Bipolar Beat.)

Ten Minutes to Warm Your Heart

2008-10-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Soule Mama for pointing me in the direction of Amy Krause Rosenthal and these heartwarming videos.

A Ballerina's Feet

2008-10-19T12:21:00.001-07:00

A ballerina's feet
Originally uploaded by dsorine

The dance of life:

Three steps forward
Two steps back

Painful

Paradoxical result: beauty

Thank you to dsorine for sharing this photograph on Flickr.

Change Can be Good

2008-10-17T12:15:00.001-07:00

Trader Joes comes to Charlotte
Originally uploaded by kyletait

I went to the grocery store.
By myself.
Just me.
Alone.

Something is definitely different.

Thank you to kyletait for the picture.

The Burning Warmth of Beauty

2008-10-12T11:28:00.001-07:00

THE ETERNAL FLAME
Originally uploaded by _ØяAcLә_

How is it that an encounter with beauty can engender pain and joy at the same time?

This essay, "My Mother's Gift," was posted today at "Mackin Ink" I wept as I read it, but with a poignant joy all the same. It is so beautiful. Read it here.

Thank you to this photographer for "The Eternal Flame."

The Fog is Lifting

2008-10-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

I'm chugging along, and the fog is lifting. Being creative helps a lot. Having others share their creative works helps a lot, too.

Thank you to Joseph Allan for the picture.

Today

2008-10-08T10:03:00.001-07:00

Call of the Raven (formerly Nature's Special Effects)
Originally uploaded by Walkabout Wolf

Today I am:

anxious
guilt-ridden
worried
sad
teary

But I am grateful, too.

Thank you, family, friends, God, for giving me so much to be grateful about.

Thank you to Walkabout Wolf for this picture from the Snoqualmie National Forest here in Washington State.

The Blessing of Human Touch

2008-10-07T21:46:00.001-07:00

Afraid to Touch
Originally uploaded by Planet Love

There is a beautiful essay posted today at C Jane Enjoy It regarding the gift of human touch.

The above photograph is by Planet Love on Flickr. If you are up to a sad story, click on it to read more about little Marcel of Romania, who has not received the gift of touch.

A Permanent Condition?

2008-10-03T09:20:00.001-07:00

diamonds are 4ever, but they make me cry
Originally uploaded by bye bye オモイデ

Thank you to bye-bye-omoide for sharing this picture on Flickr.

I am in that place where I try to decide if it is better to fight my illness or to submit to it and just adjust. I look back over this blog, and see the many times I thought that healing was beginning, when it wasn't. Small improvements have come, but much remains the same as when this all began.

I am reminded of this passage from Mosiah 24:

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

These people were promised deliverance, and it came to them, in time. I know that deliverance will come to me, as well. I just don't know when, or if it will be in this life, or the next.

In the mean time, I do my best to "submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

It seems strange to talk about being cheerful when my problem is unrelenting depression, but, somehow, it resonates. In the area of trusting in the wisdom of the Lord in all of this, I do, somehow, feel a measure of good cheer.

I believe that, when all is said and done, this is a time to submit and keep on pressing forward in spite of burdens. The Lord is, indeed, doing great things to make my burdens lighter, through a loving family most of all. Even though these present burdens are not yet removed from my shoulders, He is sustaining me.

I feel His love and approval every day, and that makes all the difference.

Meds

2008-10-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

I always feel encouraged when I start organizing. It seems that it may be a sign of improvement. Today, it was the medicine cabinet.

Crying

2008-09-29T11:58:00.001-07:00

i have to cry sometimes too...
Originally uploaded by bachullus

I have been told by more than one caring person that it is alright to cry.

I know that.

It is alright--and even expected-- to cry at funerals, at births, at catastrophes. It is alright to cry if you are under a certain age or over a certain age, like the dear old woman I met in the nursing home, who cried because her shoe was untied. Like the toddler who cried over the same thing.

It is alright to cry when others are crying.

When you are an adult of a certain age, as I am, it is not alright to cry because you feel overwhelmed at the list of health-related tasks your doctor counsels you to undertake. It is not alright to cry because some irritable receptionist scolds you in front of a group of strangers in a waiting room. It is not alright to cry uncontrollably because you are moved by a piece of music while navigating through fast and heavy traffic on the freeway.

People may say it is alright to cry, but no one is doing it much. The silence, as they say, is deafening.

In my way of thinking, it is particularly not alright to cry when a kind person tenderly expresses concern for you. It rewards their compassion with awkward discomfort.

That is why I don't go out. That is why I don't answer the phone.

It is not because I dislike or fear you. It is because I dislike and fear my own tears.

Thank you to bachullus for the photograph.

Parity

2008-09-24T12:02:00.001-07:00

By night and by day
Originally uploaded by lehnermd

(Our thanks to lehnermd for the picture. Click on it to view his profile as well as more of his photographs.)

It looks as if, finally, mental health issues will be insured as well as other health issues are. This is important legislation. Read about it at PsychCentral.Com.

Letting Go

2008-09-23T13:55:00.001-07:00

Trust Fall
Originally uploaded by Stephen Nelson Photography

Thank you to Stephen Nelson Photography for the picture (which is not of me). Click on the photo to see more of his work.

Once, when it was my turn to do a trust fall, I was surprised by how much it frightened me. It took me a long time, and a lot of encouragement, to finally fall. Being caught was wonderful. I experienced joy by letting go.

As I was exercising one day, trying to touch my fingers to the floor, I realized that I would not stretch the most by working at stretching, but by relaxing and letting gravity take its course. I learned that stretching is maximized by letting go.

In childbirth, I caught myself arching my back in response to the pain of a contraction. I consciously relaxed and then the birth proceeded smoothly, and the pain I was experiencing decreased substantially. I learned that bringing life works best by letting go.

My husband helped me to see that a little bird when held in the hand will struggle to get free, but when allowed to perch on an open palm it may not fly away at all. I learned that love is best shared by letting go.

Experience has taught me that many things that I have worked too hard to accomplish were all the time only a matter of letting go. Trusting is a letting go. Forgiving is a letting go. Repenting is a letting go.

We read 2 Nephi 25:23 and think that the phrase "it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" is telling us that we must do all we can and then grace will come. Perhaps what it is saying is really the opposite. Perhaps it is saying to us, "Do what you will, after all you can do, it is still grace, and grace alone, that will save you."

We will not be successful by working harder and harder to climb to our Heavenly Father, for He is not reached that way. What we must do is to fall into the waiting arms of Our Savior. We stand on the platform and He patiently waits. Being wrapped in His love comes by letting go.

Reclusive Artist

2008-09-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

Post script to yesterday's entry: Google the title of this post. You will see that there are pages and pages of them.

Please add me to the list. I am not at all uncomfortable with that. I hope that you are not.

Loners and Introverts

2008-09-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

The following quotes describe me, and always have. I feel that I pushed myself so hard for so long to be social that I finally cracked and ran dry. I can no longer push myself. Whatever energy source I used to propel myself into social situations is depleted. Will it ever be replenished? Only time will tell.

Some loners are able to act "normally" in a social setting. However, the strain of being in a situation which is uncomfortable will leave them mentally and emotionally exhausted. Therefore, they will have to retreat for a significant amount of time before being able to do so again.

From Wikipedia: "Loner".

Introversion is "the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life".^[3] Introverts tend to be low-key, deliberate, and relatively less engaged in social situations. They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, watching movies, and using computers. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, composer and inventor are all highly introverted. An introverted person is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people (although they tend to enjoy interactions with close friends). They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate.^[5]

Introversion is not the same as shyness. Introverts choose solitary over social activities by preference, whereas shy people avoid social encounters out of fear.^[6]

An introvert is energized when alone. Introverts tend to "fade" when with people and can easily become overstimulated with too many others around. Introverts tend to think before speaking.^[7^]

^{From Wikipedia: Extraversion and Introversion}