Light in the Woods

Dawn in the pine forest, originally uploaded by J. Star.

My husband applied and qualified for this.

Good, good news.

Puzzled

A Course for Nowhere, originally uploaded by Wetsun.

Did I mention that the government turned us down? We are in that in between place where we have too much income from unemployment assistance to get other aid, but too little income from unemployment assistance to live on.

And this week I transferred the last of our savings into checking to cover our bills.

I'm depressed now. Not the chemical kind. The sad kind.

I'm depressed and puzzled. Where is Father taking us with all this?

Glenn Close Campaigns to End Stigma

See more at Bring Change 2 Mind.

Characteristics of Introverts

I found this article today here and it described me so well (see below) that I wanted to share it. I feel strongly that pushing myself to act like an extrovert for many years contributed to my eventual meltdown. Mental illness is exacerbated by stress, and it is stressful to try too hard for too long to be what you are not.

"Here are 20 characteristics universal to introverts.

Introverts ...

1. love to read

2. have a few close, true friends

3. are excellent listeners

4. do not like to contribute in class

5. give people energy (extroverts take energy)

6. love to go to their room and close the door

7. may be exhausted by the social interaction required during a typical day at school

8. do not like group work

9. do not learn by repeating things out loud

10. like to connect the dots and insist on turning information in to knowledge

11. are very territorial

12. like to know about expectations well ahead of time

13. suffer from feelings of humiliation if they make a mistake in public

14. are intense

15. hate small talk

16. prefer to write rather than talk and especially don’t like talking on the phone

17. have a private and a public personality

18. say what they mean

19. prefer not to say anything unless it is significant

20. need time alone to recharge their batteries"

Do you see yourself in this list, too? If you are an extrovert, does this help you better understand someone you love?

A thank you to dsorine for sharing the photo at flickr.

A Reminder

1 Corinthians 13

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

King James Version (KJV)
Public Domain

Going Down?

going down, originally uploaded by Calain.

We applied to the Department of Social and Health Services for aid today.

I knew this day was coming, but I did not anticipate how sad it would feel.

Guest Post: Bruised

Forehead Bruise, originally uploaded by Daniel Paquet.

A reader asked me to post the following in her behalf, in hopes that it would help others, in a similar situation, to feel less alone:

Part of me thinks that if my husband were hitting me, things would be easier. At least then I would know what to do and I could have a plan of action. I would leave him, and feel completely justified knowing that I just protected myself and my child from physical harm. But, my husband doesn’t hit me. He doesn’t ever lay a hand on me except when he’s being affectionate.

My husband suffers from bipolar episodes of depression that leave me feeling battered and bruised mentally and emotionally. One minute he tells me that he loves me, and the next minute he tells me he doesn’t want to exist. When he gets in his depressed mood, he often tries to tell me that he feels cooped up, stuffed, contained, and that he wants to be free.

He used to tell me that he needs “more time with the guys to do guy stuff.” Over time, his complaints evolved to needing more “things to do” and “man time alone.” He’s complained about our finances, his responsibilities, and told me that he wishes he were single but couldn’t imagine being alone. He often dreams of being young again, having vitality, and youthful excursions of strength.

When he is gone all day and doesn’t make any effort to engage in conversation or enjoy my company when he returns in the evening, it feels as if I am invisible. He takes time to help me take care of our son, but his efforts are not based on love, they are based on his compelling need to control the situation since I take too much time doing things.

When he is not depressed and in his best of moods, I feel elation, love, and adoration for this man that I married. He can be the best of men, and he can be the worst of men. I love my husband, but I also fear him. I know that his mood can set a tone in our home that affects my emotional and mental well being. More importantly, I know that it can affect our son, and that is what truly bothers me. I don’t want my son to be a on that roller coaster with his father. I don’t want him to suffer through the ups and downs simply because his father has a problem with depression.

When my husband seeks to tell me why he is depressed, his evolving excuses always hover around how my son and I are limiting him in some way. He thinks that he is telling me that the solution to his problems is to have more time to do “whatever seems to fit at the moment”, but what I hear is that my son and I are a burden, and that we keep him from being happy. That he loves us but doesn’t want to be with us.

And that is where I am left to wonder what to do. I am an independent woman, and would not fear being a single mom if it were necessary. Yet, I know that marriage is sacred and that we are to do all that is possible to keep our marriages together. Too many marriages end in divorce, and I do not want to be divorced. I am fighting tooth and nail to save this marriage because I care about my commitment to God and to my family.

If he were hitting me, I would have a bruise, and a sure sign of abuse. No one would question my need to have a dramatic intervention in our lives, but I am not bruised on the outside, I am bruised inside. Some of me thinks that I have the victim mentality that commonly comes when a person is abused. I keep thinking of ways that I can be more loving, more kind, and a better person to stop the hurting and to stop the depression and its accompanying critisms. I blame myself for these problems even though I really know that they are completely out of my hands. I have to battle the automatic thought that “I am not suffering any more than women that put up with husbands who are less perfect than they had hoped.” Deep down inside, I am not healing from these episodes and the things that are said during depressive outpourings of emotion. I am no longer capable of keeping calm and feeling in control. I feel sad. I feel angry, and I want peace instead of turmoil in my home.

I need a plan of action, and I am out of the answers that I hoped would work. I feel resentment for this roller coaster I am asked to ride over and over again, day after day. It needs to end. But, what do I do? I am praying for answers and hoping someone will be inspired to say the right thing at the right time, because I can use all the help I can get.

Video Clips: Sharing Experiences

In conjunction with an upcoming documentary on PBS called Minds on the Edge: Facing Mental Illness, the Fred Friendly Seminars have posted many clips, of which this is one, on YouTube. I found them fascinating. This was one of the longest, but I was very intrigued by what Ms. Hardin had to say about the use of marijuana and its ties to schizophrenia.

Personally, I identified most with the experience of Scott Whitley, while Nancy Edwards' story was to me the most touching. The panel discussions are very interesting, too, as well as many, many more of the clips from those who share their experiences with mental illness. Here is the YouTube page.

Staying Afloat Unemployed

Last Friday marked the three month anniversary of my husband's last day at the Boeing Company after having received a layoff notice. Despite due diligence in a job search, he continues to be unemployed. Here is what has happened in the last three months:

(1) Due to provisions in the contract between the SPEEA union and the Boeing Company, under which my husband was working, Boeing has continued to pay for our medical insurance--up until now. We just received a bill for $1,373.91 to be paid by September 1, for one month's health insurance premiums. But I will have more to say about that later.

(2) We have been receiving about half of our former income in the form of a weekly check from the Employment Security Department of Washington State (commonly called an "unemployment check"). By using food from storage and cutting back, we have managed to get by on these checks by supplementing them with 200 dollars per week from our savings account. Our savings are still in good shape.

(3) Mental-health-wise, this has been a good season for me. I seem to have finally settled on the right combination of medications, and having my best friend husband spend every day with me has been wonderful, as well. Because of savings and food storage (thank you, Prophets of God) and a good worker's contract (thank you, union and company) and unemployment checks (thank you, legislators), we have not had worries this summer and have been able to enjoy the time together, taking walks, grocery shopping, watching a favorite television series, and sitting at the beach, tossing pebbles into the water. It has been a very healing time for me, and I have been more and more able to function like I used to. It has been a time of Peace.

(4) With continuing assistance from state and federal programs, we will be able to subsist on our savings and food storage for six months more, while my husband goes to college for the first time. He is all signed up. His tuition will be paid by the State of Washington.

Our savings are depleting, but should last for another six months, despite the jump in medical insurance costs. This is because our insurance premiums will not be as high as indicated by the statement we received in the mail last week. As part of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA), which was signed into law by President Obama on February 17, 2009 as part of the Economic Stimulus Package, we are entiled to COBRA premium assistance.

COBRA (the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1985) made it possible for workers to keep their health insurance after layoffs by paying their premiums out-of-pocket. ARRA cuts the costs of those COBRA payments by two thirds. The bottom line is, we need pay only 35% of our total insurance premium for each of the next six months. (A thank you to the President and Congress.) We have already sent our first check for $480.87, and we have just enough left in our savings account to do that five more times.

(5) Our hope is that husband can stay in school and complete a two-year degree in business management. The next six months look good. After that, we will see what Father has as our next surprise. His plan for us is certainly working out so far. (A call back to Boeing would sure be nice, I think.)

A thank you to lapstrake for the photograph.