I am able to get out now much more than I have in a long time, but I still have a toll to pay afterwards.
Yesterday I had a root canal performed in my mouth in the morning and in the afternoon I attended a memorial service and saw many dear old friends.
Today I am like our backyard Morning Glories on a cloudy day: simply closed up for a while.
Did I mention that the government turned us down? We are in that in between place where we have too much income from unemployment assistance to get other aid, but too little income from unemployment assistance to live on.
And this week I transferred the last of our savings into checking to cover our bills.
I'm depressed now. Not the chemical kind. The sad kind.
I'm depressed and puzzled. Where is Father taking us with all this?
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways, saith the LORD.
I'm a mess today. I hacked and coughed all night. Slept late. Am low in energy and depressed.
Last night I chopped at my hair. It looks awful.
In short, I am feeling crazy.
Again.
A thank you to _aeb for generously sharing this work of art on flickr.
I have a rash. I also have that virus which is going around. Viruses can bring on rashes. Lamictal, which is the medication I take to stabilize my mood swings, can bring on a rash as well. I did not know before taking Lamictal that any rash could be life-threatening, but the Lamictal rash, which is Stevens-Johnson syndrome, is such a rash. The standard advisement is to contact one's doctor immediately if a rash appears.
I called my psychiatrist's office when I got up this morning. I could hardly speak because of the phlegm in my throat, from the flu, but I asked for an appointment as soon as possible. I was connected to another receptionist, with whom--between fits of coughing and considerable clearing of my throat-- I left a message on a machine.
Now, after several hours, I have yet to hear back. Left hanging, I feel foolish, realizing that this may all be a false alarm. On the other hand, my vision has gotten increasingly blurred over the past months, which is also a Lamictal side-effect. It would be nice to be able to see what I am writing again. I think that I don't want to be on Lamictal any more.
I feel like all of this is too much for me to handle. I am depressed and crying again, and just when I was beginning to feel some normalcy coming back into my life.
(For those who are searching for information on the Lamictal rash, there are pictures on Google Images, which are like the rash I am experiencing. My daughter, however, was on Lamictal and developed a different sort of rash, which manifested as purple blotches on the underside of her chin. It appeared shortly after she began taking the Lamictal, and disappeared as soon as she stopped taking it with a switch to Depakote. Our psychiatrist says that the rash can appear at any time and in a variety of forms.)
Update: Having just re-read this post, I can see why my mom panicked and counseled me via email to go immediately to the ER. What I did not make clear was that what I was experiencing was just the faint beginnings of what looked like it could be the Lamictal rash. The photographs online are quite graphic and definitely scary looking. I just have a few-- 12 or 15-- pink and red spots.
It is now nine p.m. I never did hear back from the psychiatrist's office. I suspect that, despite my efforts to speak clearly on the message I left, the words came out garbled on the other end and no one could tell who called. Anyway, after taking an Ativan for my mounting anxiety, and spending the afternoon hacking and sneezing, but not dying, I'm not worried much about the rash at this point. I will just keep an eye on it. It will probably leave with the flu virus.
(Sorry, Mom.)
A thank you to Ctd 2005 for sharing this photograph on flickr.
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