"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." --Isaiah 55:8-9

I am so thankful today to know that the Lord is mindful of my family and has a plan for our good.

My husband received difficult news yesterday:
As of May 22nd, we will join the ranks of the unemployed.

A thank you to James Jordan for sharing this photograph on flickr.

The Boat

Red Fishing Boat at Cape Croker, originally uploaded by Bobcatnorth.
I owned a little boat a while ago,
And sailed the morning sea without a fear,
And whither any breeze might fairly blow
I steered my little craft afar and near.

Mine was the boat
And mine the air,
And mine the sea,
Nor mine a care.

My boat became my place of mighty toil,
I sailed at evening to the fishing ground,
At morn my boat was freighted with the spoil
Which my all-conquering work had found.

Mine was the boat
And mine the net,
And mine the skill
And power to get.

One day there came along that silent shore,
While I my net was casting in the sea,
A Man who spoke as never man before.
I followed Him; new life began in me.

Mine was the boat,
But His the voice,
And His the call,
Yet mine the choice.

Ah! 'twas a fearful night out on the lake,
And all my skill availed not, at the helm,
Till Him asleep I waked, crying, "Take
Thou the helm--lest water overwhelm!"

And His the boat,
And His the sea,
And His the peace
O'er all and me.

Once from the boat He taught the curious throng
Then bade me cast my net into the sea;
I murmured but obeyed, nor was it long
Before the catch amazed and humbled me.

His was the boat,
And His the skill.
And His the catch,
And His my will.

"The Boat" by George Macdonald from The Master Library, Volume III, copyright 1927, by The Master Library Company, formerly The Foundation Press.

Photograph by Bobcatnorth.

Am I, Too, Not a Beggar?

I needed to visit a store yesterday to pick up something necessary for a creative project, so in the hour before the stores opened, my husband and I took our early-morning Saturday walk in the shopping district of downtown Olympia.

There, on the Fourth Avenue sidewalk, we were approached by a tall, bony woman with a story to tell:
She had been living at the Salvation Army.
Some of the other women didn't like her so she had been forced to leave.
She didn't know what she was going to do as she lacked even the necessary bus fare to get to her job.

Could we give her just a dollar or something to help her out?

"And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish." Mosiah 4:16

In spite of her apparent heart-felt sincerity and anxiety, I was about 95 percent certain that she was lying to us. She seemed to be a gifted actress, and I was awed by her skills. She appeared to be so genuine, but the bus-fare story is awfully familiar to me. I have seen too often how those who are desperate will manipulate caring people. And, sure enough, even after she had plenty of bus fare in her pockets, she continued to approach strangers on the streets.

"Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just--" Mosiah 4:17

All the same, I was not troubled or turned away by her lies. I simply desired to help her, and not because there was in my mind a 5 percent chance that she was telling the truth. I simply desired to help her and it did not matter to me why she begged, or what she was going to do with the money.

"But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God." Mosiah 4:18

Before I could follow my own impulse to give, my husband reached into his wallet and handed her a five-dollar bill. She thanked us profusely, even giving each of us a hug. I wondered if the hugs were attempts to pick our pockets, but sharing them was worth the danger. Her apparent gratitude was profuse. I was happy to hug her. I was warmed by that connection.

My husband and I had merely sacrificed the difference between eating a fast-food meal out or eating from one of our many choices back at our lovely home.

"For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?" Mosiah 4:19

We continued on our way. I almost broke into tears as we walked the next couple of blocks.

Why?

Because that woman could be me.

"And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another." Mosiah 4: 21


There I was, walking down the sidewalk in my new wool coat, arm in arm with the dear man who loves me and takes care of me.

"And the hand of providence hath smiled upon you most pleasingly, that you have obtained many riches; and because some of you have obtained more abundantly than that of your brethren ye are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear stiff necks and high heads because of the costliness of your apparel, and persecute your brethren because ye suppose that ye are better than they." Jacob 2:13

My illness makes following a series of steps impossible. What if I had to follow seventeen steps to get food or shelter or warmth? The people on the street are often criticized for not taking advantage of the community resources available to them. Would I be able to access such resources with my current lack of mental health? I cannot imagine riding a bus to get to where I needed to go. I cannot imagine being clear enough in my mind to fill out one government form, let alone a stack of them. I cannot imagine sleeping in a strange room full of strange people. It is so far beyond my scope of possibilities that I cannot even imagine it.

"And now, my brethren, I have spoken unto you concerning pride; and those of you which have afflicted your neighbor, and persecuted him because ye were proud in your hearts, of the things which God hath given you, what say ye of it?

"Do ye not suppose that such things are abominable unto him who created all flesh? And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other. . . . " Jacob 2: 20-21

This I can imagine--
I can imagine that I could muster up the ability to accomplish three simple steps:
(1) beg
(2) eat
(3) medicate.


"Think of your brethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all and free with your substance, that they may be rich like unto you." Jacob 2:17

As I have striven to think of my brethren like unto myself, the plight of the mentally ill has become very familiar. Perhaps what Jacob was saying when he counseled us to "be familiar with all," was that we need to see through the mind of another. I am finding that as life is forcing me to do so, I am experiencing a growing desire that all may be rich like unto me. In light of all that I know from firsthand experience, being free with my substance seems like a very little thing.




Read more on a similar topic at Green Mormon Architect's post about beggars at the temple.

P1030380
Originally uploaded by _aeb

A thank you to _aeb for sharing this illustration on flickr.com.

Beauty in the Deep

"For thou hadst cast me into the deep,
in the midst of the seas; and the floods compassed me about:
all thy billows and thy waves passed over me.

Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight; yet I will look again toward thy holy temple.

The waters compassed me about, even to the soul:
the depth closed me round about,
the weeds were wrapped about my head.

I went down to the bottoms of the mountains;
the earth with her bars was about me for ever:
yet hast thou brought up my life from corruption, O Lord my God."

Jonah 2: 3-6

Galapagos from Darek Sepiolo on Vimeo.

Flying Outside of Things

A real life Angel.
Originally uploaded by evanlane.com

I am no angel.

Like Alma, I would like to be one.

I once inadvertently stepped on a toddler who was playing on the floor. I felt just terrible, especially when she pulled away in abject fear at my attempts to comfort and apologize to her. At that moment, the Spirit seemed to reveal to me that I would unintentionally hurt people throughout my life. That was a terrible--and helpful--revelation.

And so it is. There are those--including beloved family members-- whom I inadvertently step upon. As happened with the little child, when they recoil from me I cannot make things right. Even though my only desires are to love and comfort them, I cannot change their hearts. Neither can I make right the conflicts between one loved one and another.

That hurts.

I realize now that Alma's sin in wishing to be an angel--he himself called it a sin--was not in that he wanted those whom he cared about to be happier, but that he did not trust in the Lord for His love, for His timing. (See Alma 29.) That is my problem, too: not being able to completely trust in the Lord.

Accepting His will in my own life is much easier than trusting Him with those I love.

I am thankful for Alma's honesty. With the desires that I harbor, it is good to know that I am in good company.

That is certainly a comfort as I try to heal.

(Please click on the picture for photo credits.)

I posted here today. It's about ways I have found to study the scriptures daily, even while I am at my most ill. You might want to check it out, particularly if scripture study has become a challenge for you.

(Thank you to this photographer for the gorgeous picture.)

Promise: Isaiah 54: 10-14

Semiprecious
Originally uploaded by bored-now

10 For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.
11 ¶ O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
12 And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.
13 And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.
14 In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.


(Please click on the picture for photo credits. Scripture passage copied and pasted from LDS.org.)

Favorite Scripture: ". . . as willows by the water courses."

Thus saith the LORD that made thee, and formed thee from the womb, which will help thee; Fear not, O Jacob, my servant; and thou, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.For I will pour water upon him that is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground: I will pour my spirit upon thy seed, and my blessing upon thine offspring:

And they shall spring up as among the grass, as willows by the water courses.
--Isaiah 44:2-4

(Click on the picture for credits.)

Willow Creek Hot Spring
Originally uploaded by Infinite Wilderness

(Click on the picture for credits.)

For They Know His Voice

ST JOHN

CHAPTER 10

1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.

2 But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the ^asheep.

3 To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his ^avoice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and ^bleadeth them out.

4 And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they ^aknow his ^bvoice.



Thank you to LDS.org for the scripture passage online.

Thank you to this photographer for the sheep.

Scriptures for the Wandering Mind

I love the holy scriptures. I want them to fill my mind and heart. I am convinced that much healing comes through internalizing the word of God. Sometimes, however, my mind wanders so much, when I try to read, that I find studying an unproductive and frustrating endeavor. For times like that, I need more than the written word to keep my attention. I am thankful for resources such as the online Book of Mormon Stories. Yes, they are designed for children, but I find it very helpful to look at a picture and read the synopsis of a scripture passage, then to click on the link and go to the scripture text to read it in full. I don't know how much my need for stimulation and small bites of things is due to mental illness, and how much is due to my AD/HD, but I just know that this method works for me. Maybe it will help you, too.

Temple Recommend Interview: No Snags

I had a temple recommend interview with a member of the Bishopric last night. Anticipating this visit, I did not feel particularly apprehensive about meeting with just this one kind man, but I did fortify myself with anti-anxiety medication for the inevitable interactions with various other people at the meetinghouse. I did all right, and was able to hold myself together until business was done, but I broke down afterward, and had to wait in the car for my husband to finish his interview and quickly drive me home. (He was very kind to drive me, rather than have me drive myself, as he had to turn right around and go back for meetings which he needed to attend.)

As I anticipated the recommend interview, I was blessed with the Lord's witness to my soul that He considered me worthy to attend the temple. All that troubled me was just how I would answer one particular question, the one about whether I attended all of my meetings. That would take some explaining, since I currently don't attend anything, due to the state of my mental health. Like so many, the Bishopric member attributed my lack of ward attendance as necessitated in the fulfillment of a stake calling. He was not aware that I was released, due to illness, many months ago.

The questions came, and I was able to answer each in the affirmative, with conviction. But, in the back of my mind as the interview progressed was: How would I answer the one about meeting attendance? Just how much would I have to explain?

The question finally came. It was not what I had remembered. In my healthy state before, an essential word had been expressed time and again without my ever noticing. The question was not "Do you attend . . .?" but, rather, "Do you strive to attend . . .?"

I was once again touched by the awareness of the Lord. That question I could easily answer in the affirmative, as much as the others.

I continue to marvel at the often subtle nuances in the operation of the church, which time and again testify that the Lord loves each and every one of us, and understands our many challenges, and sees our hearts. I become aware of this again and again as I study the scriptures. My exposure to handbooks and manuals has proven that such awareness permeates their pages as well.


(Thank you to this photographer for the picture.)

Ether Chapter Four

5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a ^afurious wind blow upon the face of the waters, ^btowards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.

6 And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.

7 And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being ^atight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ^bark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

8 And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were ^adriven forth before the wind.

9 And they did ^asing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did ^bthank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.

10 And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither ^awhale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.

11 And thus they were driven forth, ^athree hundred and forty and four days upon the water.

12 And they did ^aland upon the shore of the ^bpromised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his ^ctender mercies over them.

And so, notwithstanding furious wind and monsters of the sea, we are driven always towards the promised land, with a light which never fails. Such are the tender mercies of the Lord.

Thank you to this blog for the illustration and to LDS.org for the scripture passage.

Knowing

"How did Abraham know?" I asked my psychologist, who is quite conversant in the Bible. "How did Abraham know, when everything went against logic, that it was really God speaking to him?" Not surprisingly, my doctor didn't have an answer.

That's a struggle, though, isn't it? We are so often presented with a list of basic things that we need to do to stay close to the Lord. "Don't ever think that you are an exception to the rules." Good counsel, except when you truly become an exception to the rules.

Suppose you are flat on your back in a hospital bed with every bone broken.

Suppose it is your brain that is broken.

I give myself little tests. If I feel that I just can't leave my house to attend meetings, I ask myself, would you leave your house to [insert a delightful activity here]? If I answer "no," then I am pretty sure that I am an "exception to the rule" and not just making excuses.

I think that these sorts of quandaries are what prompted me to recently post this excerpt from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe at my other blog. I have to trust myself, logically, like Lucy's siblings learned the logic of trusting her.

From Doctrine and Covenants Section 6:14:
Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou would not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

I remind myself often that the Spirit has brought me this far. I have to trust that it is that same Spirit which is directing me now.