A New View of Oz

"Well, one day I went up in a balloon and the ropes got twisted, so that I couldn't come down again. It went way up above the clouds, so far that a current of air struck it and carried it many, many miles away. For a day and a night I traveled through the air, and on the morning of the second day I awoke and found the balloon floating over a strange and beautiful country.

"It came down gradually, and I was not hurt a bit. But I found myself in the midst of a strange people, who, seeing me come from the clouds, thought I was a great Wizard. Of course I let them think so, because they were afraid of me, and promised to do anything I wished them to.

"Just to amuse myself, and keep the good people busy, I ordered them to build this City, and my palace; and they did it all willingly and well. Then I thought, as the country was so green and beautiful, I would call it the Emerald City, and to make the name fit better I put green spectacles on all the people, so that everything they saw was green."

"But isn't everything here green?" asked Dorothy.

"No more than in any other city," replied Oz; "but when you wear green spectacles, why of course everything you see looks green to you. The Emerald City was built a great many years ago, for I was a young man when the balloon brought me here, and I am a very old man now. But my people have worn green glasses on their eyes so long that most of them think it really is an Emerald City . . . "(--The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum, Signet Classic, 1984, 157-58.)

I have been unwell for so long and not getting better. So, in some desperation, I finally dared to take off my green glasses and see things through pre-spectacled eyes. I was surprised at how immediately my recovery began. I feel happier than I have in a long, long time.

No offense to the wizard or hard-feelings towards the citizens of Oz, but--as much as I love green-- I'm liking the view much better now.

Photograph by D Sharon Pruitt at flickr.com.

Proceed with Caution

Warning:

Depression may be exacerbated by too much time outside the home.
Do not attempt to go grocery shopping two days in a row, even when accompanied by supportive family members.
Pushing limits even slightly may result in dizziness and anxiety upon entering a crowded chapel on the Sabbath.
If this reaction occurs, expect to be unable to function well the following day.

Stairway

Stairway
Originally uploaded by Wolfgang Staudt

I am getting better.

Shopped alone.
Going to church on Sunday.
Feeling cheery.

Wow.

A thank you to Wolfgang Staudt for sharing this photograph on flickr.

Accomodations in Church

Some handicaps are obvious to the casual observer. For mental illness, however, the needs of the afflicted one may not be apparent. Here is the way one fellow-sufferer, whose letter is shared here with permission, helped others to understand her unique challenges regarding her church calling.

"I've been thinking a lot about my calling in primary. I guess I feel obligated to tell you (and the presidency via this email that I am sending to you), that I have great doubts about my ability to be a stable teacher for the kids in my class. I LOVE the kids. They are great, but I feel emotionally overwhelmed each Sunday, and it is starting to effect my performance as a teacher in primary, as well as my feelings of well being and peace in other areas of my life.

"I have bi-polar disorder, as well as ADD. I take medication daily for each of the disorders. One of the saving graces in my life is that I can take care of my son, and that my Sundays are uplifting and relaxing. It helps my emotions and spirit prepare for the following weeks trials, which will inevitably come as I try to balance my bi-polar and ADD characteristics while taking care of my son and the housework.

"A majority of the symptoms I feel from my disorders are a high level of anxiety and having a low stress tolerance. There are some things I do with ease, but there are some things that cause me a great deal of stress and anxiety that is beyond my control and ability to stop. I take medication to keep my anxiety under control but it doesn't prevent all anxiety and stress from occurring, otherwise I'd be a vegetable.

"Primary causes a lot of stress, and my auto reaction to that stress is to emotionally shut down. Usually, that means I just stay in my apartment where I can be at peace and control my environment. As much as I love the kids in primary, primary itself is a major stress point for me. I may look cool on the outside, but on the inside I am high in anxiety and feeling depressed.

"I know that each person has unique challenges and trials, and I really hate to ever back down from a challenge, especially when that challenge involves a church calling, but for the sake of the children, I feel you should know that I do not think I will have the fortitude or the mental capacity to deal with my class every Sunday. It may be much more helpful to rotate with a teacher each Sunday so I do not have to be in class and primary every week. I fear if we do not take some sort of action, then the children will suffer because of my inability to be reliable and consistent.

"I want to do what the Lord has asked me to do, and I also feel the desire to serve. Coming to terms with the fact that I cannot handle everything given to me is difficult for me to admit. I don't like admitting I have a disability, or that I have certain limitations because I am a perfectionist, but I am trying to be realistic so that you know where I am coming from and the kids in my class can benefit fully from the primary program."

Perhaps this example will help you with your particular challenges. I know that it has helped me. Thank you, E, for sharing this.

Thank you to g.originals for sharing the above photograph in Creative Commons on flickr.

Please Don't Label Me "Inactive"

burnham lighthouse
Originally uploaded by g r e e n g a g e

As members of the Church we are sometimes inclined to place labels on others. The world needs to be a place of order, and I guess things seem more orderly when people are placed in categories and stamped with labels. Some of these labels might be “inactive,” “nonmember,” “active,” “single,” “divorced,” “uninterested,” “smoker,” “drinker,” and so on. May I suggest that there is a very real danger in applying these labels to people? It is altogether too easy to forget that each man, woman, boy, and girl on the face of the earth is a child of our Father in Heaven and entitled to the same blessings as we are. If we study the life of the Savior, we find that he was very hesitant to label his brothers and sisters as publicans, sinners, or adulterers. There can be no doubt that, as a perfect man, he was all too well aware of the sin in this world. Yet he was able to condemn the sin while at the same time loving and caring for the sinner. It is interesting to me to note that the one label that he did apply was that of “hypocrite.” Are there any of us who are so free from sin that we can afford to categorize others? Let us be careful to view our brothers and sisters as sons and daughters of God with great potential and to care for them accordingly.--Elder Ballard (Click here to see the entire article.)

An understanding friend of mine recently asked me, "So, are you inactive, or do you just not attend church?" I replied that I am not inactive. I still do all the things that I have done for years: study the scriptures each day, pay tithing, pray. Most importantly, I feel the Holy Spirit guiding me, and I feel my Savior's love and approval. I simply cannot attend any meetings right now, and that is because of my illness. Being the great friend that she is, she trusted that I spoke the truth.

Interestingly, I see aspects of my Patriarchal Blessing being fulfilled now as never before. I know that my light has not gone out. I hope I am serving, although I am unable to accept any formal calling.

I know that we all need to let our lights shine. Perhaps others could think of me--and of others in similar situations--as just a different type of lighthouse.

(Thank you to adamclutterbuck.com for the picture. Click on the photo for credits.)

Membership

Castle in night
Originally uploaded by 3ABXO3

If at church you feel you don't fit in
And cannot function well,
While others flaunt their pedigrees,
You've nothing much to tell,
When worldly honors are all stacked up,
Your pile's too short to view,
Just remember it won't matter
When you know God's love for you.

There's a room in Jesus' Kingdom,
With a light that shines within,
The lamp that burns there burns for you,
Just go and stay with Him.


( Click on the picture for photo credits. Poem by Donnell Allan.)

Recommended: Me!

It was very tough waiting among other people, and all I could do was cry when the Stake President came and shook my hand and asked kindly how I was doing. But I had my second interview last night. The counselor to the Stake President was very understanding.

I have my new Temple Recommend. I feel so much the love of the Lord. I am very blessed.


Thank you to this photographer for the beautiful picture.

Temple Recommend Interview: No Snags

I had a temple recommend interview with a member of the Bishopric last night. Anticipating this visit, I did not feel particularly apprehensive about meeting with just this one kind man, but I did fortify myself with anti-anxiety medication for the inevitable interactions with various other people at the meetinghouse. I did all right, and was able to hold myself together until business was done, but I broke down afterward, and had to wait in the car for my husband to finish his interview and quickly drive me home. (He was very kind to drive me, rather than have me drive myself, as he had to turn right around and go back for meetings which he needed to attend.)

As I anticipated the recommend interview, I was blessed with the Lord's witness to my soul that He considered me worthy to attend the temple. All that troubled me was just how I would answer one particular question, the one about whether I attended all of my meetings. That would take some explaining, since I currently don't attend anything, due to the state of my mental health. Like so many, the Bishopric member attributed my lack of ward attendance as necessitated in the fulfillment of a stake calling. He was not aware that I was released, due to illness, many months ago.

The questions came, and I was able to answer each in the affirmative, with conviction. But, in the back of my mind as the interview progressed was: How would I answer the one about meeting attendance? Just how much would I have to explain?

The question finally came. It was not what I had remembered. In my healthy state before, an essential word had been expressed time and again without my ever noticing. The question was not "Do you attend . . .?" but, rather, "Do you strive to attend . . .?"

I was once again touched by the awareness of the Lord. That question I could easily answer in the affirmative, as much as the others.

I continue to marvel at the often subtle nuances in the operation of the church, which time and again testify that the Lord loves each and every one of us, and understands our many challenges, and sees our hearts. I become aware of this again and again as I study the scriptures. My exposure to handbooks and manuals has proven that such awareness permeates their pages as well.


(Thank you to this photographer for the picture.)

Love and a Lily

I went downstairs last night after having evening bedside prayer with my husband and saw on my table a gorgeous pink lily plant. Just seeing it touched me deeply, as I was greatly surprised, having not heard anyone come by. In those few moments I was upstairs, our daughter had answered the door to our kind bishop who had come by to deliver the plant and a note addressed to me. It read: "Thank you for holding down the fort and allowing your husband to serve! Happy Mother's Day."

I wept. Our dear bishop has not put any pressure on me whatsoever to be or do anything, he just loves and accepts--and trusts-- me. That is exactly what I need right now: love without qualifiers. That is what I feel from the Lord. That is what I feel from choice individuals who are in tune with His Spirit, like this wonderful man.

Thank you to this photographer for the picture.

Forging Chains or Breaking Chains?

Today my new medications helped to connect some wires in my brain, which in turn enabled me to handle going to church for the first time in a long while. That. Felt. Good.

I know that the use of pharmaceuticals for treating depression is a matter of some controversy.
Well . . .

"Wherefore, take heed, my beloved brethren, that ye do not judge that which is evil to be of God, or that which is good and of God to be of the devil."--Moroni 7:14

Considering the desires of the adversary versus the purposes of the Lord, the question to ask oneself is:

Is a chain being forged here, or is a chain being broken?

Today medications helped me to break a chain. That--I judge-- is a very good thing.

Thanks for the beautiful photo belongs to Jan Tik.

Knowing

"How did Abraham know?" I asked my psychologist, who is quite conversant in the Bible. "How did Abraham know, when everything went against logic, that it was really God speaking to him?" Not surprisingly, my doctor didn't have an answer.

That's a struggle, though, isn't it? We are so often presented with a list of basic things that we need to do to stay close to the Lord. "Don't ever think that you are an exception to the rules." Good counsel, except when you truly become an exception to the rules.

Suppose you are flat on your back in a hospital bed with every bone broken.

Suppose it is your brain that is broken.

I give myself little tests. If I feel that I just can't leave my house to attend meetings, I ask myself, would you leave your house to [insert a delightful activity here]? If I answer "no," then I am pretty sure that I am an "exception to the rule" and not just making excuses.

I think that these sorts of quandaries are what prompted me to recently post this excerpt from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe at my other blog. I have to trust myself, logically, like Lucy's siblings learned the logic of trusting her.

From Doctrine and Covenants Section 6:14:
Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou would not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

I remind myself often that the Spirit has brought me this far. I have to trust that it is that same Spirit which is directing me now.

Resources and Encouragement

Here is a link to an audio address by Jay and Dawn Fox and another by Alexander B. Morrison. And here is the LDS.org article about mental illness in the church.