i have to cry sometimes too...
Originally uploaded by bachullus
I have been told by more than one caring person that it is alright to cry.
I know that.
It is alright--and even expected-- to cry at funerals, at births, at catastrophes. It is alright to cry if you are under a certain age or over a certain age, like the dear old woman I met in the nursing home, who cried because her shoe was untied. Like the toddler who cried over the same thing.
It is alright to cry when others are crying.
When you are an adult of a certain age, as I am, it is not alright to cry because you feel overwhelmed at the list of health-related tasks your doctor counsels you to undertake. It is not alright to cry because some irritable receptionist scolds you in front of a group of strangers in a waiting room. It is not alright to cry uncontrollably because you are moved by a piece of music while navigating through fast and heavy traffic on the freeway.
People may say it is alright to cry, but no one is doing it much. The silence, as they say, is deafening.
In my way of thinking, it is particularly not alright to cry when a kind person tenderly expresses concern for you. It rewards their compassion with awkward discomfort.
That is why I don't go out. That is why I don't answer the phone.
It is not because I dislike or fear you. It is because I dislike and fear my own tears.
Thank you to bachullus for the photograph.