Feeling the Fool

Why are clowns so depressing?, originally uploaded by RobertFrancis.

It is not a pleasant thing to have a brain that can't be trusted.

How much walking would you do if you knew that at any moment your legs would buckle under you and you would crash to the ground? You would probably avoid walking in public at all. Of course, there are walkers and wheelchairs for that sort of an impairment.

Not so with mental illness.

So I think that I have some great new insights!
So I think that I am uber capable and creative!
So I think that I am headed into a permanent state of good health!

And then a dear one alerts me that I am--once again--manic.

Is it any wonder that I am afraid to use my mind, when it is so shaky and capable of sending me crashing at any time?

So I am retreating again to what I know:
Jesus loves me and died for me.
I love my family and I am loved in return.
I can make quilts.

These are about all the things I feel I can trust to be true right now. Right now, I think that they are enough.

Thanks for listening.

Light in the Woods

Dawn in the pine forest, originally uploaded by J. Star.

My husband applied and qualified for this.

Good, good news.

Glenn Close Campaigns to End Stigma

See more at Bring Change 2 Mind.

Guest Post: Bruised

Forehead Bruise, originally uploaded by Daniel Paquet.

A reader asked me to post the following in her behalf, in hopes that it would help others, in a similar situation, to feel less alone:

Part of me thinks that if my husband were hitting me, things would be easier. At least then I would know what to do and I could have a plan of action. I would leave him, and feel completely justified knowing that I just protected myself and my child from physical harm. But, my husband doesn’t hit me. He doesn’t ever lay a hand on me except when he’s being affectionate.

My husband suffers from bipolar episodes of depression that leave me feeling battered and bruised mentally and emotionally. One minute he tells me that he loves me, and the next minute he tells me he doesn’t want to exist. When he gets in his depressed mood, he often tries to tell me that he feels cooped up, stuffed, contained, and that he wants to be free.

He used to tell me that he needs “more time with the guys to do guy stuff.” Over time, his complaints evolved to needing more “things to do” and “man time alone.” He’s complained about our finances, his responsibilities, and told me that he wishes he were single but couldn’t imagine being alone. He often dreams of being young again, having vitality, and youthful excursions of strength.

When he is gone all day and doesn’t make any effort to engage in conversation or enjoy my company when he returns in the evening, it feels as if I am invisible. He takes time to help me take care of our son, but his efforts are not based on love, they are based on his compelling need to control the situation since I take too much time doing things.

When he is not depressed and in his best of moods, I feel elation, love, and adoration for this man that I married. He can be the best of men, and he can be the worst of men. I love my husband, but I also fear him. I know that his mood can set a tone in our home that affects my emotional and mental well being. More importantly, I know that it can affect our son, and that is what truly bothers me. I don’t want my son to be a on that roller coaster with his father. I don’t want him to suffer through the ups and downs simply because his father has a problem with depression.

When my husband seeks to tell me why he is depressed, his evolving excuses always hover around how my son and I are limiting him in some way. He thinks that he is telling me that the solution to his problems is to have more time to do “whatever seems to fit at the moment”, but what I hear is that my son and I are a burden, and that we keep him from being happy. That he loves us but doesn’t want to be with us.

And that is where I am left to wonder what to do. I am an independent woman, and would not fear being a single mom if it were necessary. Yet, I know that marriage is sacred and that we are to do all that is possible to keep our marriages together. Too many marriages end in divorce, and I do not want to be divorced. I am fighting tooth and nail to save this marriage because I care about my commitment to God and to my family.

If he were hitting me, I would have a bruise, and a sure sign of abuse. No one would question my need to have a dramatic intervention in our lives, but I am not bruised on the outside, I am bruised inside. Some of me thinks that I have the victim mentality that commonly comes when a person is abused. I keep thinking of ways that I can be more loving, more kind, and a better person to stop the hurting and to stop the depression and its accompanying critisms. I blame myself for these problems even though I really know that they are completely out of my hands. I have to battle the automatic thought that “I am not suffering any more than women that put up with husbands who are less perfect than they had hoped.” Deep down inside, I am not healing from these episodes and the things that are said during depressive outpourings of emotion. I am no longer capable of keeping calm and feeling in control. I feel sad. I feel angry, and I want peace instead of turmoil in my home.

I need a plan of action, and I am out of the answers that I hoped would work. I feel resentment for this roller coaster I am asked to ride over and over again, day after day. It needs to end. But, what do I do? I am praying for answers and hoping someone will be inspired to say the right thing at the right time, because I can use all the help I can get.

Staying Afloat Unemployed

Last Friday marked the three month anniversary of my husband's last day at the Boeing Company after having received a layoff notice. Despite due diligence in a job search, he continues to be unemployed. Here is what has happened in the last three months:

(1) Due to provisions in the contract between the SPEEA union and the Boeing Company, under which my husband was working, Boeing has continued to pay for our medical insurance--up until now. We just received a bill for $1,373.91 to be paid by September 1, for one month's health insurance premiums. But I will have more to say about that later.

(2) We have been receiving about half of our former income in the form of a weekly check from the Employment Security Department of Washington State (commonly called an "unemployment check"). By using food from storage and cutting back, we have managed to get by on these checks by supplementing them with 200 dollars per week from our savings account. Our savings are still in good shape.

(3) Mental-health-wise, this has been a good season for me. I seem to have finally settled on the right combination of medications, and having my best friend husband spend every day with me has been wonderful, as well. Because of savings and food storage (thank you, Prophets of God) and a good worker's contract (thank you, union and company) and unemployment checks (thank you, legislators), we have not had worries this summer and have been able to enjoy the time together, taking walks, grocery shopping, watching a favorite television series, and sitting at the beach, tossing pebbles into the water. It has been a very healing time for me, and I have been more and more able to function like I used to. It has been a time of Peace.

(4) With continuing assistance from state and federal programs, we will be able to subsist on our savings and food storage for six months more, while my husband goes to college for the first time. He is all signed up. His tuition will be paid by the State of Washington.

Our savings are depleting, but should last for another six months, despite the jump in medical insurance costs. This is because our insurance premiums will not be as high as indicated by the statement we received in the mail last week. As part of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA), which was signed into law by President Obama on February 17, 2009 as part of the Economic Stimulus Package, we are entiled to COBRA premium assistance.

COBRA (the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1985) made it possible for workers to keep their health insurance after layoffs by paying their premiums out-of-pocket. ARRA cuts the costs of those COBRA payments by two thirds. The bottom line is, we need pay only 35% of our total insurance premium for each of the next six months. (A thank you to the President and Congress.) We have already sent our first check for $480.87, and we have just enough left in our savings account to do that five more times.

(5) Our hope is that husband can stay in school and complete a two-year degree in business management. The next six months look good. After that, we will see what Father has as our next surprise. His plan for us is certainly working out so far. (A call back to Boeing would sure be nice, I think.)

A thank you to lapstrake for the photograph.

Those Who Support

How blessed we are that the world has men such as these.


I am so very thankful for my husband, who is in so many ways like Bill.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." --Isaiah 55:8-9

I am so thankful today to know that the Lord is mindful of my family and has a plan for our good.

My husband received difficult news yesterday:
As of May 22nd, we will join the ranks of the unemployed.

A thank you to James Jordan for sharing this photograph on flickr.

"The Blessing of the Blackberry Bush"

“The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by.”

--Elder George Q. Cannon, as cited in the story linked below.

Those who know me best will not be surprised when I confess that
this story resonated deeply with me when I read it in this month's Ensign magazine.

It is always encouraging for me to remember the purposefulness of thorns.

See more from Greg Newbold, the artist who illustrated the story for the Ensign, here.

She Shines

Knights! In Shining Armour.
Originally uploaded by Isthmene

My very own Princess in Shining Armour rode in and helped me save my head today.

And my hair, too.

Thank you, Kate.

And thank you to Isthmene for sharing this photo on flickr.

The Experience of Grief

Today is the anniversary of the birth, and of the death, of Kristy Palizzi Ragsdale. As the most understanding of friends, her mother, Ann, has helped me through the many bouts of depression which I have endured over the years. She continues to be an example of wisdom and strength to me and to so many others. Here is her latest entry from Kristy's memorial blog. Perhaps you will be blessed today by her strength and wisdom as I have so often been.

The photograph is from www.heraldextra.com, where you can read more about Kristy's story.

The Burning Warmth of Beauty

THE ETERNAL FLAME
Originally uploaded by _ØяAcLә_

How is it that an encounter with beauty can engender pain and joy at the same time?

This essay, "My Mother's Gift," was posted today at "Mackin Ink" I wept as I read it, but with a poignant joy all the same. It is so beautiful. Read it here.

Thank you to this photographer for "The Eternal Flame."

The Fog is Lifting

I'm chugging along, and the fog is lifting. Being creative helps a lot. Having others share their creative works helps a lot, too.

Thank you to Joseph Allan for the picture.

Today

Call of the Raven (formerly Nature's Special Effects)
Originally uploaded by Walkabout Wolf

Today I am:

anxious
guilt-ridden
worried
sad
teary

But I am grateful, too.

Thank you, family, friends, God, for giving me so much to be grateful about.

Thank you to Walkabout Wolf for this picture from the Snoqualmie National Forest here in Washington State.

The Blessing of Human Touch

Afraid to Touch
Originally uploaded by Planet Love

There is a beautiful essay posted today at C Jane Enjoy It regarding the gift of human touch.

The above photograph is by Planet Love on Flickr. If you are up to a sad story, click on it to read more about little Marcel of Romania, who has not received the gift of touch.

A Permanent Condition?

diamonds are 4ever, but they make me cry
Originally uploaded by bye bye オモイデ

Thank you to bye-bye-omoide for sharing this picture on Flickr.

I am in that place where I try to decide if it is better to fight my illness or to submit to it and just adjust. I look back over this blog, and see the many times I thought that healing was beginning, when it wasn't. Small improvements have come, but much remains the same as when this all began.

I am reminded of this passage from Mosiah 24:

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

These people were promised deliverance, and it came to them, in time. I know that deliverance will come to me, as well. I just don't know when, or if it will be in this life, or the next.

In the mean time, I do my best to "submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

It seems strange to talk about being cheerful when my problem is unrelenting depression, but, somehow, it resonates. In the area of trusting in the wisdom of the Lord in all of this, I do, somehow, feel a measure of good cheer.

I believe that, when all is said and done, this is a time to submit and keep on pressing forward in spite of burdens. The Lord is, indeed, doing great things to make my burdens lighter, through a loving family most of all. Even though these present burdens are not yet removed from my shoulders, He is sustaining me.

I feel His love and approval every day, and that makes all the difference.

Flying Outside of Things

A real life Angel.
Originally uploaded by evanlane.com

I am no angel.

Like Alma, I would like to be one.

I once inadvertently stepped on a toddler who was playing on the floor. I felt just terrible, especially when she pulled away in abject fear at my attempts to comfort and apologize to her. At that moment, the Spirit seemed to reveal to me that I would unintentionally hurt people throughout my life. That was a terrible--and helpful--revelation.

And so it is. There are those--including beloved family members-- whom I inadvertently step upon. As happened with the little child, when they recoil from me I cannot make things right. Even though my only desires are to love and comfort them, I cannot change their hearts. Neither can I make right the conflicts between one loved one and another.

That hurts.

I realize now that Alma's sin in wishing to be an angel--he himself called it a sin--was not in that he wanted those whom he cared about to be happier, but that he did not trust in the Lord for His love, for His timing. (See Alma 29.) That is my problem, too: not being able to completely trust in the Lord.

Accepting His will in my own life is much easier than trusting Him with those I love.

I am thankful for Alma's honesty. With the desires that I harbor, it is good to know that I am in good company.

That is certainly a comfort as I try to heal.

(Please click on the picture for photo credits.)

Luna Park

Luna Park
Originally uploaded by carlmonus

I'm not sure how to tell, from inside myself, if I am manic or just happy. Do I appear to others like this, or not?

That's why it is good to have honest, and kind, people in my life.

(Click on the picture for photo credits.)

Love Heals

Click here for one mother's story about a moment of healing love.

Barely Afloat Today

Anti-theft protected
Originally uploaded by aremac

I wrapped a gift this morning for a friend whose husband and daughter were recently killed in an automobile accident. I made a phone call to arrange a visit today to a very close friend whose daughter, last January, was murdered before her eyes. And then I got the news that my widowed mother's much-adored cat had to be put to sleep this morning, and I am submerged in a flood of grief and tears.

I will not be visiting anyone. Those chains that hold me afloat--my knowledge of the plan of salvation--will keep me from complete submersion. But I cannot carry cargo. I just can't.

I hope, particularly if you are one of those I need to visit, that seeing this picture will help you to understand my stillness. I truly have as much love for others as ever I have. But to convey anything has become near to impossible for now.

(Click on the picture for photo credits.)

Family Tree

Saule_02
Originally uploaded by JL 62
Mental illness takes its toll.

(Click on the picture for photo credits.)