Still His Lamb

365/106 Lamb, originally uploaded by justmakeit.

This picture illustrates how I am feeling of late. I am still His lamb, but in a pen, waiting for a wider pasture. I know that I am loved and that nourishment is coming. But all is not well.

I have loved ones who talk with me from outside the wire, but I am longing to have a friend who can fellowship with me from the inside. Is it you? Do you understand what I am going through? Will you visit with me?

Let's discuss how to be friends from both sides of this barrier of mental dis-ease, shall we? I would sure appreciate it.

God is Love

This little video expresses my feelings about God better than anything I've found for a long time. Thank you, Kate, for sharing it. (Moms beware: there is a little cursing here.)

This will make you cry.

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

Succor

I did a Google search this morning of "Jesus and the Mentally Ill." It was disappointing. This passage from lds.org was much better than anything else I found. You can see the entire page at http://disabilities.lds.org/disabilities/eng/disability-list/mental-illness. I have highlighted some of the phrases which have particular meaning to me.

Understanding Mental Illness

Mental illness is often poorly understood. This keeps many people from seeking help and receiving treatment. It may be difficult for people with mental illness to talk about it and get support and understanding from others. When others respond with compassion, it can help the person feel more comfortable. The causes of these illnesses are complex. They are usually the result of problems in brain functioning, genetic vulnerability, trauma, chronic thinking patterns, or other emotionally difficult experiences. Sometimes people with mental illness may develop an addiction. People with mental illnesses cannot just will themselves to get better. Blaming the person or others for the illness is harmful.

Most people with mental illnesses are neither violent nor dangerous. Recent advances in treatment have made it possible to manage or treat most mental illnesses. Most people are helped by treatment from a trained mental health professional. Other people can help by providing loving concern, support, and spiritual strength.

Recognizing Mental Illness

Common symptoms include the following:

• Prolonged sadness, extreme feelings of unwarranted guilt, hopelessness, and despair
• Changes in appetite, sleeping, energy, and the ability to concentrate
• Severe anxiety; irrational fears; panic; or recurring, unwanted thoughts
• Confused, disorganized thinking; delusions or hallucinations; extremely poor judgment
• Speech that does not make sense or is very rapid and rambling
• Difficulty doing normal daily activities; withdrawal from family, friends, and normal activities

The person may not recognize that he or she is ill. Many people try to feel better through addictions or substance abuse, but this makes the mental illness worse. Thoughts of suicide or self-harm should be taken seriously.

Ways to Help

• Learn about mental illness from professional sources, LDS Family Services, and mental health professionals. A bishop may give a referral to a licensed therapist through LDS Family Services.
• Treat the person with understanding and compassion. Reassure the person that Heavenly Father loves him or her.
• Remember that mental illness is not a punishment from God.
• Realize that a mental illness cannot be overcome by willpower alone. It does not indicate that a person lacks faith, character, or worthiness.
• Help the person develop confidence through knowing God supports his or her efforts to cope and build strengths.
• Do not take problems that are a result of the illness personally. People with mental illness may feel frustrated and upset because of the illness.
• Include the person in Church activities and appropriate service opportunities. Consult with the person, family members, and others who know the person well to identify limitations as well as strengths.
• Do not argue with delusional ideas or pursue topics that increase agitation. Be aware that stress can make the illness worse.
• Mental illness may require a person to make major life changes. Where appropriate, prayerfully consult with priesthood leaders, family members and caregivers, professionals, and the individual concerning a need for change.

The Boat

Red Fishing Boat at Cape Croker, originally uploaded by Bobcatnorth.
I owned a little boat a while ago,
And sailed the morning sea without a fear,
And whither any breeze might fairly blow
I steered my little craft afar and near.

Mine was the boat
And mine the air,
And mine the sea,
Nor mine a care.

My boat became my place of mighty toil,
I sailed at evening to the fishing ground,
At morn my boat was freighted with the spoil
Which my all-conquering work had found.

Mine was the boat
And mine the net,
And mine the skill
And power to get.

One day there came along that silent shore,
While I my net was casting in the sea,
A Man who spoke as never man before.
I followed Him; new life began in me.

Mine was the boat,
But His the voice,
And His the call,
Yet mine the choice.

Ah! 'twas a fearful night out on the lake,
And all my skill availed not, at the helm,
Till Him asleep I waked, crying, "Take
Thou the helm--lest water overwhelm!"

And His the boat,
And His the sea,
And His the peace
O'er all and me.

Once from the boat He taught the curious throng
Then bade me cast my net into the sea;
I murmured but obeyed, nor was it long
Before the catch amazed and humbled me.

His was the boat,
And His the skill.
And His the catch,
And His my will.

"The Boat" by George Macdonald from The Master Library, Volume III, copyright 1927, by The Master Library Company, formerly The Foundation Press.

Photograph by Bobcatnorth.

Nine Minutes to Touch Your Heart

This is a video sent to me by my husband to brighten my day.
It worked.

I was particularly touched to see that the woman was wearing a hospital gown.

"The Blessing of the Blackberry Bush"

“The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by.”

--Elder George Q. Cannon, as cited in the story linked below.

Those who know me best will not be surprised when I confess that
this story resonated deeply with me when I read it in this month's Ensign magazine.

It is always encouraging for me to remember the purposefulness of thorns.

See more from Greg Newbold, the artist who illustrated the story for the Ensign, here.

Repost: A Reminder

Sunday, September 7, 2008

"Painful Things Happen Even to the Pure"

"To those who stagger or stumble, He is there to steady and strengthen us. In the end He is there to save us, and for all this He gave His life. However dim our days . . . may seem, they have been a lot darker for the Savior of the world. As a reminder of those days, Jesus has chosen . . . to retain for the benefit of His disciples the wounds in His hands and in His feet and in His side--signs, if you will, that painful things happen even to the pure and perfect; signs, if you will, that pain in this world is not evidence that God doesn't love you; signs, if you will, that problems pass and happiness can be ours . . . It is the wounded Christ who is captain of our souls, He who yet bears the scars of our forgiveness, the lesions of His love and humility, the torn flesh of obedience and sacrifice.

These wounds are the principal way we are to recognize Him when He comes."

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
CES Conference at BYU
8 August 2000

A thank you to midiman for sharing this photograph on flickr.

The Blessing of Human Touch

Afraid to Touch
Originally uploaded by Planet Love

There is a beautiful essay posted today at C Jane Enjoy It regarding the gift of human touch.

The above photograph is by Planet Love on Flickr. If you are up to a sad story, click on it to read more about little Marcel of Romania, who has not received the gift of touch.

A Permanent Condition?

diamonds are 4ever, but they make me cry
Originally uploaded by bye bye オモイデ

Thank you to bye-bye-omoide for sharing this picture on Flickr.

I am in that place where I try to decide if it is better to fight my illness or to submit to it and just adjust. I look back over this blog, and see the many times I thought that healing was beginning, when it wasn't. Small improvements have come, but much remains the same as when this all began.

I am reminded of this passage from Mosiah 24:

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

These people were promised deliverance, and it came to them, in time. I know that deliverance will come to me, as well. I just don't know when, or if it will be in this life, or the next.

In the mean time, I do my best to "submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

It seems strange to talk about being cheerful when my problem is unrelenting depression, but, somehow, it resonates. In the area of trusting in the wisdom of the Lord in all of this, I do, somehow, feel a measure of good cheer.

I believe that, when all is said and done, this is a time to submit and keep on pressing forward in spite of burdens. The Lord is, indeed, doing great things to make my burdens lighter, through a loving family most of all. Even though these present burdens are not yet removed from my shoulders, He is sustaining me.

I feel His love and approval every day, and that makes all the difference.

Letting Go

Trust Fall
Originally uploaded by Stephen Nelson Photography

Thank you to Stephen Nelson Photography for the picture (which is not of me). Click on the photo to see more of his work.

Once, when it was my turn to do a trust fall, I was surprised by how much it frightened me. It took me a long time, and a lot of encouragement, to finally fall. Being caught was wonderful. I experienced joy by letting go.

As I was exercising one day, trying to touch my fingers to the floor, I realized that I would not stretch the most by working at stretching, but by relaxing and letting gravity take its course. I learned that stretching is maximized by letting go.

In childbirth, I caught myself arching my back in response to the pain of a contraction. I consciously relaxed and then the birth proceeded smoothly, and the pain I was experiencing decreased substantially. I learned that bringing life works best by letting go.

My husband helped me to see that a little bird when held in the hand will struggle to get free, but when allowed to perch on an open palm it may not fly away at all. I learned that love is best shared by letting go.

Experience has taught me that many things that I have worked too hard to accomplish were all the time only a matter of letting go. Trusting is a letting go. Forgiving is a letting go. Repenting is a letting go.

We read 2 Nephi 25:23 and think that the phrase "it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" is telling us that we must do all we can and then grace will come. Perhaps what it is saying is really the opposite. Perhaps it is saying to us, "Do what you will, after all you can do, it is still grace, and grace alone, that will save you."

We will not be successful by working harder and harder to climb to our Heavenly Father, for He is not reached that way. What we must do is to fall into the waiting arms of Our Savior. We stand on the platform and He patiently waits. Being wrapped in His love comes by letting go.

Heaven's Love, Unexpected

Walking the dog
Originally uploaded by Tampen

Today I accepted an invitation to visit a dog park. Not being a "dog person," I did not anticipate what a healing experience it would turn out to be. I loved being there. As I sat on a bench, individual dogs approached me and said, each in her own way, "Hello" and "I like you." To my surprise, I felt truly appreciated. I was the recipient of affection without preconditions.

Thank you, Joseph and Abbie.
Now I understand better what the "dog people" are talking about.

(There really is a dog in this picture. Click on it for a larger, even prettier version. Our thanks to the photographer.)

Enchantment

Enchantment
Originally uploaded by James Jordan

I find that beauty heals, don't you?

(James Jordan comes through again.)

So Good, Not So Good

DNA
Originally uploaded by sarmax

So good for my mental health:
Time alone.
Creating.
Adequate sleep.

Not so good for my mental health:
Messes.
Crowds.
Expectations.




(Click on the picture for photo credits.)

Listen for the Angels

"The scriptures recite numerous instances where an angel appeared personally . . . When I was young, I thought such personal appearances were the only meaning of the ministering of angels . . .

"But the ministering of angels can also be unseen. Angelic messages can be delivered by a voice or merely by thoughts or feelings communicated to the mind. . . .

"Most angelic communications are felt or heard rather than seen."

---Dallin H. Oaks, “The Aaronic Priesthood and the Sacrament,” Ensign, Nov 1998, 37

President Harold B Lee (1899-1973) once remarked: "Don't be afraid of the testing and trials of life. Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea, for like the experience of the master himself in the temptation on the mount, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary, the scriptures record, 'And behold, angels came and ministered unto him.' (Matt. 4:11.) Sometimes that may happen to you in the midst of your trials" (in Conference Report, Munich Germany Area Conference, 1973, 114). Ray H. Wood, "Our Thorns in the Flesh," Ensign, Feb. 2003, 31.

Thank you to this photographer for the picture. (Click on the link for another great quotation.)

Membership

Castle in night
Originally uploaded by 3ABXO3

If at church you feel you don't fit in
And cannot function well,
While others flaunt their pedigrees,
You've nothing much to tell,
When worldly honors are all stacked up,
Your pile's too short to view,
Just remember it won't matter
When you know God's love for you.

There's a room in Jesus' Kingdom,
With a light that shines within,
The lamp that burns there burns for you,
Just go and stay with Him.


( Click on the picture for photo credits. Poem by Donnell Allan.)

Promise: Isaiah 54: 10-14

Semiprecious
Originally uploaded by bored-now

10 For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.
11 ¶ O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
12 And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.
13 And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.
14 In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.


(Please click on the picture for photo credits. Scripture passage copied and pasted from LDS.org.)

Succor

I was taught long ago that the meaning of the word succor is "to run to." Later on, I learned that the root from which our English succor comes means not only that, but "to go beneath, run to help." As I learned this more specific meaning of the term, I immediately appreciated the imagery of being held up from underneath and kept from falling.

I had a tangible experience with being succored in this way some years ago. As part of a group of adults on a wilderness trek, I participated in an activity which resulted in me finding myself in a precarious situation.

The trek in which I was involved was organized as a series of games and activities meant to engender cooperative fellowship and greater self-awareness. The assigned tasks which my group were asked to undertake were approached seriously and performed with exactness. The particular activity which I mentioned above involved transferring each member of the group across a low area of ground which was designated as a pit of fire. We were to imagine that the ground over which we were crossing was molten lava or some equivalent danger, so that we must absolutely not touch down under any circumstances.

At some point in this exercise, a cable was stretched across the dry riverbed which served as our fiery hollow, and I volunteered to made my way across on it and perform the task which was needed on the other side in order to enable my companions to also cross over. I began my mission with enthusiasm, my arms and legs wrapped around the wire, inching along bit by bit. Tiring quickly as I moved along, however, as I neared the midway point of my journey I realized that I was in serious trouble. It was clear to me that I did not have enough strength to move myself all the way across the abyss. Halfway across, suspended in the air, my arms had become so weakened by my previous efforts that it was all I could do to barely hold on. I was utterly incapable of moving forward or backward to save myself.

As the group called out expressions of encouragement to me from their place on the riverbank, I whimpered back, "I can't move anymore. I'm not strong enough. I can't go on." I wrapped my worn out arms and legs as tightly as I could and shut my eyes. My mind was devoid of any possible solution. I felt helpless and alone, with no hope for pulling myself out of the situation.

Suddenly, I felt large hands and strong arms lifting me down from the air. One of the group had plunged into the pit to rescue me. He was a tall man, the largest of the party, who had been so quiet that he was a stranger to me in spite of our many hours together. As he set me down on firm ground, he humbly turned to the cheering crowd on the banks and quietly stated, "Well, I couldn't just let her fall."

I learned that day what it truly means to be succored.

I learned again yesterday about the term. My visit to the psychiatrist two days ago left me discouraged and emotionally drained. His responses to my needs were to do more of the same things I have been doing and then some. I was to switch, once again, my antidepressant. I was to visit one doctor for one problem and another for another, and a third for something else again. I was to apply more time to the process and continue the plodding course I have been so long experiencing.

My depressed state plunged as low as it had ever been. By the time I got home I was overwhelmed and incapable of any further forward movement. Exhausted and spent, I was immobilized and barely holding on, just as when I was out on that cable. Again there seemed to be no way out for me, but this time it was no game. The fiery emotional pit looming under me was real. I longed for someone who could run to me and go beneath me and hold me up and help me out. I needed to be truly succored.

Yesterday, the help came. As I sensed the reality of friends on the banks cheering me on through their prayers in my behalf, I simultaneously experienced family members gathering to offer the succor I craved. Probing conversations ensued, ideas came forth, new hope was aroused. As the day ended, I felt impressed to employ an easily manageable change of focus as I fish for answers to my problems, much like simply moving my nets from one side of my boat to the other (see John 21:3-6).

I believe that the Priesthood Blessing I recently received is taking effect, that the prayers of kind and caring friends are being answered, that family love and inspiration are exerting their power. I feel that stronger arms are carrying me from a precarious place. I know that my Savior is near me and empathizes with my plight. I know that I am being succored.

I have hope again for brimming nets and celebratory times. Thank you to all of you who have contributed to this rescue. I believe that prayers have been heard and answered.

Thank you to this photographer for the picture of the support beam.