It is not a pleasant thing to have a brain that can't be trusted.
How much walking would you do if you knew that at any moment your legs would buckle under you and you would crash to the ground? You would probably avoid walking in public at all. Of course, there are walkers and wheelchairs for that sort of an impairment.
Not so with mental illness.
So I think that I have some great new insights!
So I think that I am uber capable and creative!
So I think that I am headed into a permanent state of good health!
And then a dear one alerts me that I am--once again--manic.
Is it any wonder that I am afraid to use my mind, when it is so shaky and capable of sending me crashing at any time?
So I am retreating again to what I know:
Jesus loves me and died for me.
I love my family and I am loved in return.
I can make quilts.
These are about all the things I feel I can trust to be true right now. Right now, I think that they are enough.
Thanks for listening.
Podcast: From Divorce to Besties
4 years ago
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It's d#$% annoying, isn't it? I want to do more with my life, and people kindly encourage me to do so. But whenever I try, my brain goes haywire.
Thanks for reaching out with understand, Jessica. It means a lot.
I'm sorry mom. I think I can understand your frustration and confusion, but I know I can't completely understand what it feels like to be you. I have much love for you and want you to feel good an happy about who you are. I hope you will take these comments as an indication of my loving concern for you.
The one thing that bothers me is I want to know if the "discovery" that you are being manic sends you out of your manic state and into depression.
I am prone to believe that if that is the case, then it isn't truly mania but in fact a reaction to a depressing thought. My initial impression of mania is that your reaction in a manic state would have been to tell the person they are wrong or believe them but still feel good, and then continue on your happy upbeat tirade until you crash. Manic people usually believe they are the bees kneez and don't believe anyone who says otherwise.
Can someone control their mania? I don't think so. So...this leads me to wonder if your mental illness could use a big long steady dose of psychological counseling like the LDS.org article you referenced says. "Most people are helped by treatment from a trained mental health professional."
I don't think it would cure you by any means, but it sure couldn't hurt to have someone by your side to talk to. I know you always hear me go back to this topic, but its because I know for a fact that to get out of my depression, I needed medication AND help changing my thought patterns so I could learn to cope and deal with negative emotions and thoughts appropriately.
To put it frankly, I think you need to change your thought patterns instead of relying on medication alone, and I think the fact that you changed your mania to depression proves the point that it isn't pure mania on its own, but your thought patterns and ways of coping with stress need some correction.
As far as letting go of the burdens on your shoulders and feeling capable and happy, do it. Forget the details and get your tunnel vision for the love of your Savior and release all of that pressure you feel to be perfect and be more than you are. Who and what you are right now is enough for Him and for those who love you.
I love you mom!!!
Thank you for your love, Emily.
I don't know how the switch from mania to depression works. It seems to me, though, that if you built up a relationship of trust with someone and counted on them to tell you when you were manic, then when they did tell you it would have an impact, or what would be the point of the arrangement in the first place? Like a splash of ice water in my face, I was brought out of my happy state. The resulting depression is not so much chemical as it is a reasonable sadness over the idea that I have lost my ability to reason and make decisions for myself.
I know the value of counselling, having been through it numerous times. But an introvert, such as I am, hates being the center of attention. What is counselling if not hour upon hour of having the spotlight on yourself. I dread the thought.
Even saying that I need counselling is putting pressure on me to change, and I just can't take that right now. I just want to soak up my babies (which has a true physical healing effect, it turns out) and take one day at a time as led by the Lord.
Thank you for trying to understand.
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