Feeling the Fool

Why are clowns so depressing?, originally uploaded by RobertFrancis.

It is not a pleasant thing to have a brain that can't be trusted.

How much walking would you do if you knew that at any moment your legs would buckle under you and you would crash to the ground? You would probably avoid walking in public at all. Of course, there are walkers and wheelchairs for that sort of an impairment.

Not so with mental illness.

So I think that I have some great new insights!
So I think that I am uber capable and creative!
So I think that I am headed into a permanent state of good health!

And then a dear one alerts me that I am--once again--manic.

Is it any wonder that I am afraid to use my mind, when it is so shaky and capable of sending me crashing at any time?

So I am retreating again to what I know:
Jesus loves me and died for me.
I love my family and I am loved in return.
I can make quilts.

These are about all the things I feel I can trust to be true right now. Right now, I think that they are enough.

Thanks for listening.

My Mind of Late

Devil Rock from Stefan on Vimeo.

I have so many thoughts that I can't think. The spinning keeps me in a stupor. Does anyone know what I mean?

This is my brain on mania.

Mania

75 Bands Cleverly Represented In This Picture
Originally uploaded by ClintJCL

I have been asked how it is that I recognize that I am transitioning into a manic state. For me, it is pretty simple. I notice that I am having some trouble sleeping. I notice that I would like to spend money on frivolous things, every day, and sneakily. Sometimes I talk more and faster. I think that I eat more, too, especially sweets.

These things have been trying to overtake me again.

I'm glad that I have learned how to catch mania before it explodes on me. I'm glad that this time I have the option of cutting back on my meds. I hope that it helps. I do not like to be manic--even the hypo version.

Thank you to ClintJCL for sharing this picture on flickr.

Luna Park

Luna Park
Originally uploaded by carlmonus

I'm not sure how to tell, from inside myself, if I am manic or just happy. Do I appear to others like this, or not?

That's why it is good to have honest, and kind, people in my life.

(Click on the picture for photo credits.)

Mania Tuesday

Don't let the sun go down on me
Originally uploaded by cattycamehome

Up half the night.
Asleep half the day.

Never rested.






(Click on the picture for credits.)

Mania and Anti-depressants

I am on my third anti-depressant this year and I am feeling much better. However, on this one I was beginning to exhibit signs of mania--in my case hypomania--which is a too-common side-effect of anti-depressants in bipolar patients. For me, hypomania presents itself with bouts of insomnia, an insatiable desire to spend money, and other unpleasantness. It was scary to experience these again, since I had been doing well in that area for many months. On my next visit to him, my psychiatrist upped my dosage of mood-stabilizer in the hopes that it would be a shield to the anti-depressant's ill effects. So far, so good. (I hate being hypomanic even more than being depressed. I fear all the time that it will worsen and my behavior will hurt those I love.)

There is a great article about the need for mood-stabilizers when anti-depressants are prescribed for bipolar patients today at Bipolar Beat. Click on the link if you would like to read more on this subject.

(Thank you to this photographer for the picture.)

Swinging Upward into Hypomania

Must remember to eat.
Must remember to bathe.
Must remember to budget.

Must remember that others have both feet on the ground.
Must remember to ask what they see.



Thank you to this photographer.