I had a dream last night, in which I was helpfully reaching down the throat of a little girl, and pulling out things which were congested and crammed together in her after she had eaten, but never digested, them all. There were many things that came out of her, but the only thing I remember specifically pulling out of her were several birds. These birds were perfectly whole in every way, with feathers and claws and beaks intact, but they were very stiff and dead. It was a strange dream, to be sure, and I wondered about it all day.Now I know what the dream was about. The little girl had taken the birds into her because she loved them for their carefree, high flying spirits. But, because they were inside of her, when they came back out of her they came back dead.
I was that little girl. The birds represented my children.
I loved having my babies, and I loved my children for their carefree, high-flying spirits, which I am sure they had before coming into mortality, and which they continued to enjoy through early childhood. But, because they were born through me, as young adults they have inherited my propensity for life-snuffing depression.
It is easy to say to myself that it isn't my fault that I have the genes that I do, and that I didn't purposely annul the song and flight of those I most dearly love by passing those genes on to them. I know that in my head. But, obviously, deep inside I feel that, in my innocent delight in bringing these little birds of my own into the world, I inadvertently did something very bad to them. That is why I am weeping tonight. I am sure there is more to the meaning of this dream, and maybe there are some positive things that I am missing. But for tonight, I am mourning for those dead little birds. I am sorry, so very sorry, for the difficulties of my children.
(Thank you to this photographer for the picture of the dead birds.)
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4 comments:
remember we "all" "chose" to come to this life. And you are a wonderful mother that I am sure they would never change that fact.
I gave a lesson in Primary that quoted Job 38:7 "When the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy". We knew it would be hard, but we still rejoiced in coming. We knew our elder brother would help us make it.
Also, as a mother to future children, I'm still going to bring them into the world even knowing what I do about my genes.
You are certainly an artist! Only an artist of proportions similar to that of "the greats" would come up with a dream and analogy similar to yours.
I don't think any of us regret being born with the genes we have. It is easy to stop and think of the negative effects that having depression and bi-polar brings, but I think it also brings with it a wonderful brightness and vitality that most other people don't experience. It brings with it compassion and understanding for the one left out.
When I think of the genetic heritage I was given, I think of my athletic skill, my ability to think out of the box, the social skills I have to relate and connect with others, and the unique sense of humor we all have. I have pride in our ability to learn new things quickly, and our individual strengths.
I hope you never doubt that we all struggle, but thats nothing new, and we are happy that you are our mom. We came into the world fully knowing the trials that would be ahead, and we embraced them.
Someday your children and the generations that come after you will surround you and rejoice in who you are. There will be hundreds that thank you and praise you for your faithfulness and your loving and valiant spirit. You will then see that you were a wonderful start of generations of a happily genetically connected, and spiritually bound family. I love you!
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